Wordless Wednesday

Halloween Delight at Sonic!

I'm saving up my quarters for this (donations welcome). I CAN'T WAIT!

Dear Flash (Halloween Edition)

This is the time of year I dread. Why? Because it’s Halloween time and that means my parents are going to dress me up in some ridiculous costume. In the past I’ve been Superman, Spiderman, Darth Vader, Pumpkin Monster, Reindeer and a ghost. I’m sure there are more but that’s all I can remember. It appears I’m not the only one who gets this treatment. Check out the letter I received via email.


Dear Flash,
Halloween is my favorite time of year. Each year, I try putting my dog Freddie in a costume and taking him out in the neighborhood but he refuses to wear anything. He howled until I removed the ghost sheet. He hated the pirate’s hat. Last year, I bought an elaborate pumpkin ensemble. He nipped at me when I was zipping it on and barked non-stop until I took it off. How can I train Freddie to be more comfortable in costumes?
-Mariellen, Dallas

Dear Mariellen,
You are not a very smart human. Please return Freddie from wherever you got him. You owe it to him.

-FLASH

Quote of the Day

Nothing smells better than cat poo in the morning.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Life is good

The Rangers are up 2 games to 1 on the Yanks, and Mom bought us a new bag of pork ears yesterday...life is good.

Life would be great if only I could get to that stuffed giraffe that plays music hiding in the guest bedroom. Mom bought it for a baby shower Saturday, but I think I would make much better use of it than a baby would...FLASH

Boob Squirrel

I’m going to come right out and say it, I’m an ass dog.

If I see someone new, be it a dog, a cat or a human, I’m going to bury my face deep in the ass of that creature and take a big deep sniff. It’s the only way I can tell the character of that individual.

Let’s be honest, if you smell a load in a person’s underwear or spot a dingleberry hanging from a cat’s behind, do you really need to know anything more about them? No! They’re clearly terrific ambassadors for all living things on mother earth!

I realize my method differs from others. For instance, I know many dogs who judge character by the eyes, others are sensitive to touch, while still others are driven by taste. I’m not saying my way is the right way, but…well yeah I am saying that. My way is the right way.

The wrong way can be seen from today’s story about a squirrel in Ohio. Down at the kennel, it’s what we commonly call a boob squirrel. Here's the story:

The baby squirrel climbed out from between the women’s breasts as she was in the police station with detectives in Warren, Ohio.

Fortunately for us, the bizarre incident was recorded for posterity on CCTV, a still from which can be seen above.

Detective Warren Mackey said he was stunned.

‘No, I was not prepared to see a woodland creature in the interview room,’ Mackey said.

‘I kept right on talking to her and listening to her. I didn’t acknowledge it at all.’

The unidentified woman – who was not under arrest and was being questioned as part of a murder investigation – didn’t even broach the subject of the breast-squirrel.

As it climbed out of her clothes, she simply scooped the squirrel up and placed it back in her cleavage.

‘I really didn’t know what to say,’ said Mackey.

Makes me wonder where the squirrel was storing its nuts…hmmm.

FLASH

High Anxiety

I’ve been feeling somewhat anxious lately (perhaps it's because the Rangers play the Yankees tonight) and decided to do a little research to help alleviate my stress. I was extremely happy when I ran across an article titled "Got Stress? Pet Consultants Do." Imagine my disappointment when I realized the talk was given to allow a dog park to be built near a little league baseball field in Maine and not just to focus on canine well being. But still, there are some interesting tidbits for you to ponder.

BELFAST, Maine – Just like their human owners, dogs suffer from stress.

“The big reason for stress in dogs is our inability to understand what they are saying,” Don Hanson told about 50 pet owners gathered at the Abbott Room of the Belfast Free Library on Saturday.

As I like to say to my father, “What part of woof! don’t you understand?” Apparently, all of it.

Hanson, a dog behavior consultant, pet trainer and owner of Green Acres Kennel Shop in Bangor, was invited to discuss dog behavior by the dog park subcommittee of the Friends of Belfast Parks.

Hanson told the dog lovers that close observation is required to detect signs of stress in their pets.

Identifying behavioral signals given by dogs during group play could have a role in the success of the dog park.

A few behavioral signals and their meaning:

Lifting of back leg while tilting forward – “If you don’t get out of the way, you will be my property”

Laying with belly exposed – “Good touch, no bad touch”

Flashing teeth – “Check out how well my Crest Whitestrips are working”

Direct eye contact while growling – “Are you available for dinner?”

Sitting while pawing the air – “I’d like a taste of your ice cream cone”

A pug with a gun – “Your candy or your life”

Construction of the park is on hold while committee members and the Belfast Little League iron out some problems. The fenced park will be built next to the baseball field, and league organizers are concerned about safety and smells.

I understand the concern, boys can be rather smelly.

Committee member Carol Good said that the group has raised $39,000 for the park and that the fence and other materials had already been purchased. Good thanked those who supported the project and said additional funds were needed to complete the first phase of construction.

Hanson said the biggest problem when dogs are stressed is aggression. He said some dogs can cope with stress well while others handle it poorly. He said pet owners had to learn how to recognize the “calming signals” dogs revert to when they are stressed out and owners should attempt to remove the dog from that particular situation.

Who doesn’t get stressed out after going 0 for 4 with 3 strikeouts? The only way I get over an outing like that is a stop by the local Baskin Robbin's for a hot fudge sundae. Without the hot fudge…because that can kill me.

“Your dog has a part of the brain for rational thought and learning. When your dog is really stressed, the operating system for learning is turned off,” he said. “Stress can become chronic, and when it becomes chronic, it becomes an issue.”

Excessive sniffing, yawning, averting its eyes, licking its nose, squinting and scratching are among the most easily recognized calming signals, he said.

Based upon the amount of time I lick my privates, I must be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Humans are really ignorant of the needs and ways of communicating with dogs. We expect a dog to come into our house and understand English,” Hanson said.

C’mon, humans should know by now that we only speak Latin.

FLASH

Fartin' Martin

Here’s a quick joke for you all…

Martin goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Shep, get down from there.”

The guy thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, “Dammit Shep, get down before he poops on you.”

FLASH

The Sickies

I think it’s in every dog’s nature to feel bad for those less fortunate than us. Take for instance humans.

They’ve lost the ability to live in the moment, to sniff each other (without reproach) in public and to smell a dropped piece of bacon from two cities away.

I look at them and it makes me want to weep. But then I remember where my balls used to be and lick myself instead.

However, after hearing my mom cough all night because she doesn't feel well had me in a fetal position, with a box of kleenex because I feel so bad for her. That is one human I don't want to ever feel bad!

I hope you feel better soon Mom! If you come home from work early I promise to snuggle on the couch with you and make you some chicken soup.

FLASH

Art by Flash

I've been playing around with Photoshop today. Check out my masterpieces!

Dear Mr. Columbus...

Dear Mr. Christopher Columbus,

I regret to inform you that not everyone has been given the day off of work in honor of your holiday, and I am wondering why? The rumor on the dog park gossip mill was that today is a holiday, which meant our owners would be home all day to spoil us and lavish us with belly runs, walks and corn dogs from Sonic.

This is not the case. It was business as usual this morning for my mom, and off to work she went. This does not seem fair, and I'll have you know that I was really looking forward to spending this holiday with my mom. And, I was also really looking forward to the corn dog(s).

I hope that you will take this compliant directly to Mr. Obama so that I do not have to write this letter again on Veterans Day.

Sincerely,
FLASH

Great idea

I am going to see what I can get for Miss Lulu on Ebay...FLASH

Poop.

We all have to take dumps, right? I mean, what’s the alternative – to hold it in until you’re ‘impacted’ and have to be rushed to the vet for an anal, and intestinal, flush?

That’s why I like taking good, healthy-sized dumps in the back yard. Of course that usually means a big mess out back, but that’s not my problem. I always tell my parents if they don’t want me eating it, to bag it before it ripens into a tasty treat. Or, if they don’t want to step in it, to bag it up and send it to its forever home.

I never thought about where my extract goes after I’ve finished processing it, but this story suggests there is a place called poo-heaven.

Boston officer Lt. Rick Santangelo said yesterday that the woman, whose name has not been released, admitted tossing doggie dung at the driver because she believed he was speeding.

He said the woman initially contacted police last week and reported that she was walking her dog when she saw the motorist nearly hit a man on a bicycle.

Santangelo said the motorist contacted police the next day to report being struck in the face with dog feces.

The woman was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, vandalism to property and disorderly conduct.

Photo Tuesday

Check out our family photo from the Paws in the Park event on Sunday. I was checking out a hot biscuit to the right of me which is why I am not looking at the camera. Unfortunately, I was yanked away before I could get her number.We had a fun time at the event. Of course, Lulu embarrassed the family by sniffing the butt of every dog there. We can't take her anywhere...

FLASH

Monday Humor

So my mother walks into the local PetSmart store with me safely secured on a leash next to her, and one of the employees has the audacity to ask, “Is that a pig you got with you?”

The nerve of that guy. I was so mad I could hardly reply back, “No, that’s my mother!”

OK…it’s an old joke, but always smells fresh to me.

Just a little Flash humor for your Monday.

FLASH