Dear Flash

I'm a pretty popular guy. And very wise. Obviously. So wise in fact, that other pups have started coming to me for advice. Check out the text I got on my blackberry yesterday.

Dear Flash,
Why does my father yank at my leash when I go to smell my best friend’s butt?

Confused At The Park

——–
Dear Confused At The Park,
Sounds like you have a troubled, power hungry owner. Just realize that it was a privilege for you to have been born into this world as a dog. Humans don’t have much to live for so let them have their moments of control.

I do, however, authorize you to leave him a ‘present’ the next time he’s away at work. He’ll appreciate the thought.
-Flash

Need some advice? Feel free to hit me up at 1-800-Flash-is-a-genius.

Equal Opportunity for Gay Dogs

I never questioned my sexually, probably because my berries were removed at a very young age. My lack of interest on the subject was replaced with a hearty quest for knowledge of molecular physics.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. Here’s a postcard I recently sent my former friends:

“Dear Balls,

Wish you were here.

-Flash”

I hope they’re doing well, wherever they may be.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter to me what a dog’s preference is in his/her selection of a partner. I don't even question the old man when he leaves the house wearing a pink shirt or those short running shorts he likes to prance around town in. Hey if you want to waste your time thinking about stuff like that, so be it. Live and let play, I say.

Others aren’t like me, though. It appears the owners of a diner want to impose their viewpoint on the world. Here’s the Sunday Mail with a story of a diner, a dog and a blind guy.

Woodville North man Ian Jolly, 57, was barred from dining at Grange restaurant Thai Spice in May last year after a staff member mistook his guide dog Nudge for a “gay dog”, the tribunal heard this week.

A statement given by restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said one of the waiters had understood Mr Jolly’s partner Chris Lawrence “to be saying she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant”.

“The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog,” the statement said.

Mr Jolly and Ms Lawrence were refused entry to the restaurant – which displays a “guide dogs welcome” sign – even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.

At an Equal Opportunity Tribunal conciliation hearing on Friday, the restaurant agreed to provide Mr Jolly with a written apology and attend an Equal Opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1500.

Mr Jolly said while he was happy with the result, the embarrassing incident had dampened his enthusiasm for eating out at restaurants. “It gives you some comfort that Equal Opportunity is there,” he said.

“But I always have that fear now, when I go out.

“I just want to be like everybody else and be able to go out for dinner, to be left alone and just enjoy a meal.”

Thai Spice refused to speak to the Sunday Mail when contacted for comment during the week.

The tribunal is also set to hear another case where a visually impaired man was refused entry to a city restaurant because the chef was allergic to dogs.

The man, whose identity is being kept secret by the tribunal, said the manager told him he could not bring his guide dog into the restaurant unless he had permission from the police.

The manager also told him he could not come in because the chef was allergic to dogs.

A date for the conciliation hearing is yet to be set.

Equal Opportunity spokeswoman Corina Mulholland said there was an increasing number of disability discrimination issues being reported to the commission.

In the last financial year, the commission received 499 disability related inquiries, and it has already received 440 inquiries from July 2009 to mid-March.

It predicted a 23 per cent increase in inquiries relating to disability discrimination compared with last financial year.

Wordless Wednesday

Mamma is nursing me back to health

I'm feeling much better now, thankyouverymuch

Quick question: Would it appear vain if I colored my muzzle from white to dark black? I've decided, it's this or botox.Lulu pouting because she's not getting any attention

Sick as a Dog...

Just threw up again. Chicken liver tastes better the second time around. Friends, I'm a little bit under the weather. I've been vomiting like a frat boy after multiple keg stands. My butt is itchy and it stinks. Don't believe me? Then come smell my paw. My mother just washed out my paws for that last statement. Or maybe it was because I stepped in poo again.

Feel bad for me? You should. Forget Chicken Soup though. What's really good for the soul is a bag of pork ears. Please send them my way.

Mom says if I'm still sick this afternoon then we're heading over to the vet's. I look ridiculous in that paper smock they make you wear...makes my butt look fat.

FLASH

MIA

Hi friends. I know it's been a few days since I've blogged, and you all are probably peeing your pants in anticipation of my next witty blog post.

Well, hold your paws. I'm a busy dog, and it's been all work, no play lately. You see, I'm helping my mom plan her big work event this weekend. She's procrastinated and procrastinated, and so I've come to the rescue. The event is a Fishing Derby, and my job is the Official Taste Tester of the fish. I've got my Heinz Ketchup ready to go.

I'll leave you with a handsome picture of yours truly. Try not to drool too much.

FLASH

Okay, enough already

This was my reaction when I saw that Lulu had hacked into my blog account yesterday.I was not happy, but gave her a thorough butt kickin', so now we're even. And, just a public service announcement Tubbs: Lulu gets around the block if you know what I mean. I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole.

I've been receiving some hate texts and phone calls to my Blackberry regarding my post about bulldogs. We’ve all been caught in embarrassing moments, including me. I’ve run into a tree, been mounted by a miniature poodle, and caught failing to wash my paws after I peed. They’re momentary transgressions that we all hope will pass into the dustbin of history. So, Tubbs, let's call a truce and make everyone happy.

I'm sorry.

(and I may or may not be apologizing because Grandpa Mike refused to send more pork ears until I do).

FLASH

Dear Tubbs...

Dear Tubbs,
I have to make this quick, as I am signed on under Flash's account while he is out taking a poop. I just wanted to express my sincere apologies for Flash's hurtful blog post yesterday about bulldogs. I do not share those sentiments at all. In fact, I think bulldogs are quite handsome. If we weren't cousins, I would ask you to be my boyfriend. Maybe one day we can run off to West Virginia together where that sort of thing is accepted. Then we can get married and live happily ever after. Just wondering: do you have a date yet to Becky's wedding? If not, please be my date. We don't have to tell anyone that we are related. Lulu + Tubbs = BFF (Best Friends Forever)

Hugs and kisses,
Miss Lulu Ruyle

Flash 2, Devil Green Couch 0

Following up on yesterday's post, I was able to do some more damage to the Devil Green Couch yesterday afternoon. Please see pictures of my handy work below, and remember, if you ever need an interior designer, I'm your dog.Now, on to today's story. I have a feeling this story may cause some controversy from my mom's side of the family. Particularly because today's story is about bulldogs, and I have a cousin Tubbs wh0 is a bulldog. But, I don't care. This is my blog, and I will say what I want.

Some take their cues about beauty from the Westminster Dog Show while others take theirs from the Ugliest Dog Contest. One thing is clear, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It’s fortunate my parents get their idea of canine beauty from the former, otherwise they would have passed right by me on the fateful day they adopted me. Not to be cocky or anything, but when I say I’m handsome I’m not sure I’m doing myself justice. Remember, it ain’t cocky if you can back it up.

But some are less fortunate than me. In Des Moines, they decided to throw a self-esteem bone to some bulldogs. You know, to try to make them feel special because they don’t got a lot going on in life. I’m not trying to be mean, but have you ever seen one up close?

Let me just say that if you haven’t had the privilege of taking a female bulldog out on a date, you’re in for a treat. At dinner be prepared to watch the drool run down her face and on onto her plate. She won’t even use a fork to eat her kibble. At the movies you won’t be able to hear over her panting. Not lustful panting, but panting like she just ran a marathon.

Not only will you drop her off before curfew, but even before you smelled her, uhmm, ear.

Anyway, here’s the info from the Des Moines contest AP story.

DES MOINES, Iowa – For three years, Porterhouse was so close to the title he could drool on it. Now, the Beautiful Bulldog crown is his to slobber on for the rest of the year. After two runner-up finishes and one “Mr. Congeniality” title, Porterhouse finally nabbed “top dog” honors Monday when he was crowned the winner of Drake University’s annual Beautiful Bulldog Contest in downtown Des Moines.

Porterhouse, a 4-year-old brown and white bulldog from Des Moines, beat out 49 other dogs from eight states to claim the title.

The judges weren’t looking for the prettiest mutt in the mix. No, they wanted to see drool, bloodshot eyes and bowed legs – and costumes don’t hurt either. Owners slapped tutus, blonde wigs, goggles and all kinds of wacky hats on their precious pups.

“They’re not looking for pedigree,” Dolph Pulliam, the master of ceremonies for the event, said of the judging. “You use your own imagination.”

Porterhouse’s owner, Erin Bell, said her dog is a sweet, friendly guy who always makes people laugh. She and her husband, Kevin Bell, had a feeling Monday morning that, after three years of coming so close, Porterhouse would finally break through this time.

“He’s handsome – we think anyway,” Bell said.

I agree Porterhouse is handsome, almost as handsome as a Filet Mignon.

What if GOD was one of us?

NOTE- this is not to be considered blasphemy.

Since today is Monday and I am feeling a bit philosophical, I was wondering if God was like me- a Basset Hound? It sounds kind of weird, but there are a couple signs I can't pass up. One, God spelled backwards is Dog. Coincidence, I think not. Two, Jesus spelled backwards is Sesuj. We all know Sesuj is Latin for Sausage, and I love Snausages, sausage biscuits and hot italian sausages off the grill. Third, Lord spelled backwards is Drol. If we dig deep into the translation of Drol, it evolved into drool. Have you guys met me- I am a slobbering fool? Finally, please see the picture of me destroying Devil Green Couch. I can't back up much of this information, but you have to wonder, what if God was one of us.....

I refer to the Green Couch as the "Devil Couch." I will not be satisfied until it's destroyed. See how I have gutted it and spread its insides around the house.

Take that Devil Couch!

Dog + Hen?

Parenting is tough. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway. I don’t have any direct experience because my jewels were removed before I had a chance to procreate. The Flash Dynasty ends with me. Oh well.

While it’s hard for two dogs to raise a litter of pups, imagine the difficulty if you had to do it alone. I know what I’d do, I’d search for another partner, that’s what.

Apparently a dog in China had the same idea. Here are the full details.

A hen in China has reportedly shacked up with a dog to help raise its three newborn puppies.

Owner Yang, of Anqian village in Fuqing, said the hen moved into the dog’s kennel after it gave birth last month, reports Southeast Express.

Since then, the hen refuses to leave the kennel, staying inside all day and only walking out when the dog is nursing its puppies.

Yang says the hen is very protective of the puppies and refuses to allow strangers to come close to the kennel.

“Quite possibly the hen is envious of the dog because it has no offspring of its own, and so it is trying to take over the puppies,” he said.

“The dog seems to have given up the idea of driving the stubborn intruder out and has decided to share the space with the hen.”

Everyone knows that if you want your puppies to grow into well adjusted adults, ensuring they live in a two parent kennel is paramount.

FLASH

Down the Stretch We Come!

I’ve been on a few ‘freestyle’ runs in my day.

If you’re not familiar with what that means Websters has a nice definition. Here it is:
Main Entry: free·style run
Pronunciation: \’frē-ˌ stī(-ə)l run\
1. Flash plus his sister Lulu minus his parents, running wild in the neighborhood
2. A run the government frowns upon

I must admit I always enjoy running with wild abandon, choosing which neighbor’s yard gets the yellow stuff and which one gets the brown goo. It keeps my mind fresh too. Must be the serotonin high kicking in. I know Lulu loves it too.

But we’re always careful. You see our neighborhood has very narrow sidewalks so we have to watch out for traffic. It can be treacherous with those damn driving teenagers. I think they’re dyslexic because they ain’t going 15 miles an hour.

So I read today about three horses doing as I do. Except one of them forgot one thing: being careful. Here's the story.

A horse in Israel has escaped with minor injuries after jumping into a moving car.

A tourist captured video footage of three horses galloping down a main road in the Galilee region of northern Israel.

The horses — one of which appears to be a foal — ran into the path of an oncoming car.

The two smaller horses swerved to avoid the vehicle, but the third — a coloured larger horse bringing up the rear — made the last minute decision to jump over it.

The horse leaped straight at the car putting his front legs through the windscreen before jumping out and over the roof.

Amazingly, according to local reports, both the horse and the occupants of the car only suffered minor cuts and bruises.

That horse must ride the short bus to school.

Wordless Wednesday

(click on the photos to make them bigger)
The old man is taunting me with Oliver the monkey. What a &^!hole!

Fighting Lulu over Oliver the monkey

Victory! The monkey is all mine!
Mamma with Lulu. Please tell Mom to put on some make-up and clean it up for the camera.

Seeing Eye Pony??!!

I imagine many of you out there are worried about your jobs. I am too, and with good reason.

During this economic meltdown no job is safe. There’s just too many of us vying for too few jobs. How many of you have lined up behind hundreds of other dogs just to get a shot at being a plate pre-washer, a bed-warmer or a taste tester? I’d bet kibble to donuts most of you have. Admittedly, these are low skill positions that are easily outsourced to pugs the world over.

However, even if you have well honed skills, you may be staring economic ruin straight in the butt hole, too. I’m talking about the highly specialized abilities attributed to the upper echelon of doghood. That’s right, the skills wielded by the seeing eye dog class. Just check out what's happening in Michigan.

Mona Ramouni, 28, lost her sight shortly after birth, and has had to rely on her family members to guide her around the Detroit suburb where they live.

She has long yearned for more independence, but a traditional guide dog was never an option. Many Muslims consider dogs unclean, and Miss Ramouni, an observant Sunni, respects her Jordanian-born parents’ aversion to having a dog in the family home, where she lives along with three of her six siblings.

Now Mexicali Rose, a 3-year-old former show horse that stands about 2 1/2 feet tall and weighs about 125 pounds, has arrived to help Miss Ramouni.

Before the horse, nicknamed Cali, arrived, “I had basically given up. I mean, I had been to the point where I thought, ‘I’m going to get nothing out of my life,”‘ Miss Ramouni told the Associated Press. “And having Cali … showed me that I had forgotten about all the optimism I had as a kid. When I was a kid, I thought I could do anything. I thought everything was possible.”

While many Muslims believe dogs can violate ritual purity, horses are seen as “regal animals,” Dawud Walid, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relation’s Michigan chapter, told the news agency.

Still, “there would be concerns about bringing a horse into certain establishments and areas of worship as well,” he said.

The horses can live into their 30s, more than twice as long as most dogs, she said.

The horse, who has been trained to get in and out of vehicles, guide through crowds and stand still indoors, is expected to take up residence in a newly erected shed on the family’s lawn within the next two months.

This belief system is a bit biased against dogs wouldn’t you say? C’mon, dogs a bit unclean? How can they believe that when I lick my balls at least five times a day?

Check out the video.

My weekend in pictures

My morning kibble tasted like plain rice cakes, my water had a sulfur tang to it, and the old man was extra grumpy this morning. It must be Monday.

I had a great weekend though. Let me sum it up in pictures for you. It started out with a trip to the dog park. Then we got a new toy.

(Oliver the monkey)

Then we got a corny dog from Sonic
(I wish I could eat these every day with a side of pork ears)

As you can see afterwards, I was pooped.
And, Lulu was constipated...

Happy Monday!
FLASH

Flash Friday

Welcome back to another addition of Flash Friday, where it's all about your favorite pup....me! First a few thoughts, then a few pictures.

• Took a nice family walk around the neighborhood yesterday. Is it me or do other dog owners seem to be cooler than the ones holding your leash?
  
  
• Mom is always rolling me over and wiping me down after walks or dog park trips. If only they made wet naps for dogs, I wouldn't have to worry about my mother riding me about my dingleberrries.
  
  
• To the old man: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names like "Wide Load" will always hurt me.

Wishing all my pals a happy weekend. Woof!
FLASH

Three Things Thursday

1. Watched baseball last night with the old man spooning me. I couldn't concentrate on the game. He needs a shower. No really, he does.
   
   
2. Just got done licking myself - I was very thorough. Makes me wonder...are male dogs like me supposed to have man boobs?
   
   
3. Had to laugh yesterday. My mom accidentally stuck her hand in my poo on our walk. It was standard poo, no nuts or corn - what a prima donna.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Excuse the poor quality of this picture. This was taken bright and early this morning, way before the sun came up. As you can see, I was sleeping soundly in my recliner before I was rudely awaken by mom at 5:30 am. How rude.

Slithery Slimeballs...

First things first: Lulu got a bath last night. Thank god. She was starting to smell very foul. Unfortunately, I got a bath as well. I will get the old man back for that.

Secondly, we saw a snake on yesterday's walk. OK, I admit it. I’m scared of snakes.

That’s right, your fuzzy hero has a fear of the slinky kind. Maybe it’s because I remember the day, when I was a mere pup, when a snake crawled into our den to vie for my mother’s nipple. When I attempted to push it away, it bit me. Needless to say I thrashed it to death. However, the mark on my psyche lives on to this day.

Some may think I made that story up and the real reason I’m afraid of snakes is because I’m a girlie dog. Well, you can’t prove it can you?

Anyway, I, a macho dog, still run in the opposite direction of any snake that crosses my path due to this puphood incident. Not only is this a good idea, it should be a law. Don’t believe me? Then check out the following story:

He’s never had a nose for trouble before but black labrador Bronson sure knows how to turn heads with his retrieving tricks.

The champion obedience dog stunned his Victorian owners when he recently returned to them to proudly show off his latest find.

Locked firmly in his jaws and coiled around his snout was a long, live snake, believed to be a deadly copperhead.

“He’s normally an excellent duck dog but he’ll pick up absolutely anything and return it to us, hanging on to it until we say ‘give’,” Deborah Allen said.

“My husband Peter didn’t know he’d lost his mobile phone out in a paddock recently until Bronson returned with it in his mouth.”

The couple were lucky to be at home together at their property at Yarragon on January 4 when Mr Allen called out to his wife: “Hey, come and look at this.”

“There was Bronson with the snake hanging out of his mouth and the snake’s body wrapped around his nose,” Ms Allen said.

“We weren’t sure if it was alive or not and we touched its head which was down at ground level and it moved – it appeared slightly stunned.”

As they grappled with a plan to deal with the snake, Mr Allen told his wife to quickly take a photo first.

“He didn’t reckon anyone would believe it,” she said.

With a camera always by her side, Ms Allen captured the stunning sight as perfectly obedient Bronson, 11, remained totally rigid, trained not to move his head while carrying anything he had retrieved.

“But he had a real forlorn look on his face like he was saying ‘Hurry up and take this thing’,” Ms Allen said.

Ms Allen said their second labrador, Madeline, usually tried to steal anything Bronson was carrying.

“But this is the first time ever she wouldn’t have anything to do with him. She kept well away.”

Ms Allen found a bag and lowered it to the ground, pulling the bag up and over the snake while at the same time releasing its body which remained wrapped around Bronson’s snout.

“And as soon I said ‘Give’ he dropped it right into the bag and we sealed up the ends.”

With the snake safely stored, the pair rushed Bronson to the West Gippsland Veterinary Centre where a coagulation blood test confirmed Bronson had copped a bite.

Four days in hospital followed on a drip, but Bronson is now happily at home.

Four days in the hospital without a treat no doubt. Just another reason to steer clear of ‘em.

Monday Blues

It's Monday, I'm grumpy, Lulu stinks, and I'm feeling pretty bloated from too many Easter goodies yesterday. Due to the aforementioned, I don't feel much like writing today, so I will leave you with a family photo from this weekend. As you can tell, it was a rockin' Friday evening at the Ruyle's. I'll return on Tuesday with my usual witty banter.
FLASH

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!
FLASH

It's Easter, where's my basket?

Time to set my pathetically cute begging face to stun...the in-laws are in town for Easter.

I wonder what the Easter Bunny will bring me? I admit Easter has me a little miffed. The typical gifts of candy and stuffed bunnies just don’t do it for me. What am I supposed to do with them?

Unfortunately, the candy associated with this day is deep, dark chocolate. If you want me dead, it would be easier to just tie me down on the Amtrack rails in the city. It would be quicker, unless of course the train was running late again.

Maybe my focus on Easter should be on the giving part. Perhaps I will lay a chocolate egg of my own in the Old Man's shoes.

By the way, speaking of the Old Man, this morning's chew count: 2 of his golf hats.

FLASH

Winnie the Pooher

Anyone heard of Winnie the Pooh? Well, today I have a story about a Winnie the Pooher.

Here’s a little video, not for the faint of heart crowd, of a polar bear taking a dump in the water he swims in. It’s a bit disturbing, and akin to me taking a dump in bed. Normal protocol prohibits it, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I will say, great camera work on this one. It should win an Oscar for cinematography.


EMBED-Polar Bear Doesn't Need to Flush - Watch more free videos

I have to ask, “Did anybody else see the corn that was floating in the water?”