Wordless Wednesday

The Driver's Seat...

All who know me say that I’m a driven dog. I give it to you straight on this blog so yeah, these folks are right to say that about me.

I’m driven…everywhere.

In the summer my rides usually only get me to the park, but during fall and spring my destinations are diversified to include Pet Smart, Sonic and Rover’s House of Pancakes.

Regardless of season I’m always driven to the vet’s. What, you don’t expect me to walk there do you?

The only problem with this arrangement is that I don’t get to go on my schedule. It is dictated by my control freak parents.

Oh how things would change if I had the courage to take the keys into my own paws and do what the pup in the following story did. Here are the details.

A dog that crashed his owner’s car into a Cromwell cafe has been let off with a warning, along with his owner.

And police say they want others to heed the message not to leave pets and children unattended in vehicles, especially with the keys in.

It was one of those moments they will talk about for years to come – the day the Fusee Rouge cafe had a ram raid with a dog at the wheel.

“The dog is five-and-a-half years of age. His name is Wilco,” says Senior Constable John Chambers of Cromwell police.

Wilco’s owner had stopped his car to buy beer, leaving the motor running. The dog jumped up on the column gear stick.

Thirty years of policing had not prepared Chambers for what he found in the driver’s seat.

“When I arrived, to my disbelief I found it was a dog that was responsible for causing the damage,” he says.

The owner has been let off with a warning.

“The owner at the moment is very much like his dog with tail between his legs,” says Chambers.

But there is a point to this shaggy dog story – a key message. Always take the keys out of the car with you.

Unless your dog has errands to run.

Dog Park

Went to the park yesterday. Saw a deer. Decided a chase wasn't worth it. Begged for a Sonic Corn Dog instead. That was worth it.Below is a picture of Lulu and I hijacking some other poor dogs water bowl at the dog park. Yeah, we do what we want.

Flash Friday

Finally, the weekend is almost here. I started thinking: what can I share with my adoring fans to make their lives a little better? (see, I'm always looking out for you. And I actually pray for a lot of you guys, too. See, that's love right there.) So, I present "Flash Friday" and will make today all about your favorite canine - me!

Here are some facts about me to help you get to know me a little bit better, along with some words of wisdom to enrich your lives.

• I am from the great state of Kentucky, the home of some fine bourbon, Maker's Mark. However, I must state that I am not cheering for the "Blue Nation" Kentucky Wildcats in this year's NCAA Basketball Tournament. I happen to be a die-hard Louisville Cardinals fan like my mom, and we think Kentucky's coach is a giant turd. Down with the Wildcats!
• Universal Law: Human treats > dog treats. I don't get enough of those.
• I have to admit, I peed on the deck this am. Too wet to walk in the grass. Poo will have to wait...until my mother leaves the house.
• When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has real problems. Double those issues if he's tied to a married couple with no kids.
• I hate the morning dew on my paws. But I love mountain dew, especially when I feel a little tired.
• My sister Lulu is actually cool sometimes. Not only does she fart on my parents' lap, but she snores louder than a truck driver w/o his sleep apnea machine.
• The old man is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. Can't forgive him for the Cowboys collar I wear. I'm not a loser so why brand me as one?
• So I gave a shot at eating my stool today...turns out it's not that great...tasted like wood...and now I have no place to sit.
• I peed in the house last night. It wasn't an accident, it was revenge for an unnecessary bath.

Happy weekending!
FLASH

Chester the Amazing Peeing Dog

I have to give credit where credit is due.

I always thought I was the most prolific message leaver in all the world. No fire hydrant, tree or human leg was safe from my lemonade stream of consciousness.

Heck, the first draft of this blog was written with this invisible ink. Fortunately for me, I didn’t lose anything because I had it backed up with a hefty aroma (just a friendly reminder for all of you out there to always back up your work).

Anyway, my confidence is shaken after viewing the following video.



This little guy makes my writing look like it was done with crayons. Let’s face it, he’s not short on words.

It almost makes a pup want to roll up his fire hose and put it away.

FLASH

Wednesday Musings

Good morning friends. I know it's supposed to be Wordless Wednesday, and you are probably dying to see a cute photo of yours truly, but I have a few things to say.

• I was verbally abused this morning. I heard my mom say to me - and I quote - "Christ, Princess!" A princess is not a very nice name to call a male dog. How dare her try to emasculate me.
• We did not get our walk this morning. Mom mumbled something about not having time when she got back from her morning swim. Sounds like bad time management to me. Maybe she shouldn't have swam so long and then she would have had time for our walk. I am going to cross "good time management skills" off her resume.
• Lulu did not take heed to my warnings and went to the vet yesterday. A strange man stuck his hand up her behind. Maybe she likes that kind of thing. To each their own.
• I was forced to watch American Idol last night. Well, a few minutes of it. I haven't seen performances that bad since Vincent Chase in Aquaman.
• Gotta admit that I'm jealous of monkeys. How come they get to throw their poo around but I can't? I need me a set of opposable thumbs.
• Top ten favorite joke of mine: A termite walks into a saloon and asks, "Is the bartender here?" Think about it...
  

Woof!
FLASH

And, now for Wordless Wednesday...

Dear Lulu...

Dear Lulu,
I have some insider information for you that I am sharing because I wouldn't even wish this on my worse enemy (which sometimes you are). I heard Mom talking last night to Dad about how you and him are having a daddy/daughter date this morning. At first, I was jealous, until I listened a little bit closer and found out this: You are going to the Vet this morning. To have your anal glands expressed.

My advice: when Dad reaches for your leash in the closest, run as fast as you can.

You're welcome (sucka),
FLASH

P.S. Just have to share. Today I had the most perfect poop. It should be used as a mould for those plastic gag poos. Yeah it was that good.

Quick Update

Had a surprise fart this afternoon-it's now all over my back legs. That is all, carry on.

Flash is Back!

Flash T. Ruyle, here.

That's right, friends, I am back! I know you all missed me last week. Please send all complaints and hate mail to my mother. She would not allow me use of the computer, as I was falsely accused of being a bad dog. Which, if you know me, is hard to believe.

Actually, on second thought, don't send hate mail to my mom. I don't want word to get out that I instigated it. It's no fun when Mom is mad at me. She does not let me use the computer. She does not give me as many treats. She made me to go Pet Smart and get fondled by those annoying groomers. She does not let me sniff leisurely on my walks. And, she has not been inclined to give me scraps of human food. Like, yesterday we stopped at Sonic on the way home from the dog park, and I thought that meant I was going to get a corn dog. But, she selfishly bought herself a smoothie treat, and I got nothing. So, I need to get back in mom's good graces.

Anyway, on to today's story. I always hear my parents telling prospective pet owners how wonderful we faithful creatures are.

Clearly there’s a bit of an up-sell there, and something I’m quite appreciative of, when they look to match a homeless animal to a needy human. But is it really necessary?

All studies I’ve read have shown absolutely, positively no downside to the relationship…from a human’s standpoint. For the pet, there’s quite a few negatives but we’re willing to let it slide for some free kibble. Hey, it’s what makes us more adorable than we already are.

So I read today’s paper and I see one human didn’t get the memo. It seems he’s got an issue with none other than his dogs. Yeah, his best friends!

Come to find out he has an invention he wants to sell to the world. Sure it’s clever, even thoughtful, but did he have to throw his love machines under the sanitation bus? I’ll let you be the judge.

The Detroit Free Press has the scoop (pun intended).

For the last two years, Curt Fournier of Linden plopped himself into all things dog poop.

Fournier, founder of GreenDog LLC, a start-up company in the pet-waste disposal industry, consulted doctors and veterinarians; he perused blogs and online forums, looked at countless studies and even did a few of his own.

“I could probably teach a class on dog poop at this point,” joked the 34-year-old Flint native.

He ain’t the only one.

Fournier’s research was the basis for the development of the Powerloo, an outdoor, hands-free, flushable toilet for dog waste.

The Powerloo works much like a indoor toilet. It sits just below ground level and taps into sewer lines that lead to waste treatment centers. Priced at a bit less than $1,000 a unit, the device comes with an optional heating unit to prevent freezing.

“Both the Centers for Disease Control and Environmental Protection Agency say pet waste should be flushed down a toilet, but up until this point, there was really no safe or convenient way to do so. Carrying dog poop into your house can be unsafe, and not to mention gross,” Januszewski said.

According to the EPA, dog waste is a leading contributor of water contamination and also carries harmful parasites and pathogens that have the potential to infect humans and other animals.

“Vicki and I were getting tired of cleaning up the mess left by our two dogs and thought that being able to flush it down a toilet in the backyard would make things easier,” Fournier said.

GreenDog expects to produce 500 Powerloos in 2009. Fournier projects that by 2011, GreenDog could produce as many as 12,000 units, with revenue potentially reaching $12 million.

While pet owners will be a target market for the company, GreenDog also plans to market the Powerloo to municipalities and businesses such as dog breeders, doggy day care centers and pet-friendly apartment complexes.

If my old man ever installed the Powerloo in our back yard, I’d make sure to use it the way he uses our inside toilets. Yup, I’d make it a point to pee all over the Powerloo’s seat and then dribble the rest on the ground.

That way, he’ll know how my mother feels.

FLASH

An unscheduled break in our regularly scheduled blogging

Dear adoring fans of Flash,
I'm afraid that Flash will be taking an unscheduled break from blogging due to poor behaivor. You see, he's grounded- and this includes no use of the computer. And, no pork ears either in case you were wondering. How long is he grounded? Only time will tell. For now you'll have to get your daily dose of humor elsewhere.

Sincerely,
His Mother

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Let me just reiterate what many of you already know. I’m not a dog that’s going to be trained to make my owners’ lives easier. I know this isn’t the case in a lot of households, but I can’t change the world. I can only make suggestions and hope some of you canines see the wisdom in my words.

If told to “Go get me my slippers”, just say no and lick their feet. Make sure to get in between the toes, that’s where the good cheesy taste is.

When they demand you “Fetch me the paper”, respectfully suggest they go online to get their news instead.

And if ordered to “Get me a beer from the fridge”, do so, but make sure to drink it before bringing it back. If that makes you pee, do so in the confines of the house.

Let’s face it, we weren’t put on this earth for them, they were put on this earth for us.

But there are a few of us out there that need to learn lessons the hard way. Check out this story.

A HUNGRY hound lost both his bark and his bite when a bizarre accident left his jaws glued together.

Cymbeline, a Scottish terrier, is trained to pick up the post from the doormat and hand it over to his owner Kimberly Fisher, 41.

But the faithful pet came unstuck when a high gloss finish on a fast food menu stuck his jaws closed for more than half an hour.

Ms Fisher from Colchester, an academic researcher, said Cymbeline had been trained to collect the post without chewing it.

“He hates post so I’ve taught him to bring it to me without damaging it and then I give him a treat.

“He brought me this menu but it had stuck his jaws together.

“It was a big, high gloss paper menu which had turned into a paste – the gum stuck it between his teeth.

“He was trying very hard to open his mouth. It was funny as well as sad.”

The Roosters fast-food menu, which ironically promises “mouth-watering results” for anyone who tries their chicken, was stuck fast and eventually Ms Fisher was forced to take Cymbeline to the vet.

She said: “I tried to get it out with a tooth pick, but it was no good. We had to wait for an emergency slot at the vets.

“They took about 40 minutes to get this stuff out. They were very good about it. It cost £28.76 – it would have been more if he had been more distressed and they had had to sedate him.”

“He couldn’t open his mouth. He sat there very quietly while we picked away with a fine pick until we had removed enough of the cardboard to get a bit of movement.”

Now that’s service I can get used to. I’m already imagining myself dining on a nice rib eye steak menu.

On, another note, Happy St. Patty's Day.

Dear Flash and Lulu

Dear Flash and Lulu,
Just wanted to extend my deepest thanks for your antics this morning that made me 30 minutes late to work. It's quite impressive that I was up at 4:45 am and still couldn't make it to work on time. I hope you are noting my sarcasm.

I cannot comprehend why you have a standoff over dog kibble every.single.morning when you each have your own bowl of food. Yet, you still fight over the same bowl. I especially appreciate that these standoffs always occur when your father is out of town, leaving me to deal with them. I thought I had solved the problem by putting Lulu in the crate alone with her food bowl. Surely, once separated you would go about your business and eat your food. But, Lulu you showed me who was boss by barfing all over the crate instead of eating your food. And, Flash you were a big help by trying to lick up the vomit while I was trying to clean it up.

Just when I was thought the food standoff was over, I started to head out the door at this point only 10 minutes late for work. But, no, you were not done yet. Lulu, thanks for pawing at Flash's bowl until it spilled everywhere, which then caused a dog fight.

I'm sorry but I only have so much patience; which is why I decided that neither of you were eating this morning and took your food away and put it back in the back. So sorry (not really).

I really enjoyed arriving at work 30 minutes late, apologizing for my lateness and attributing it to dog barf. My morning was really topped off when someone made the comment "kids are one thing, dogs are another." Apparently, I was supposed to leave your vomit until I got home this evening. I am sure that would leave the house smelling fantastic.

Maybe your antics are to show me that I am not cut out to be a mom of the human kind and that we are best off with fur babies. You win. However, you best be careful because many more mornings like this could land you back on the streets.

Hugs,
Your (very pissed off) Mom

Pork Ear Photo Op

Pigs Feet and Pork Ears

“What a pig!”

I hear that expression a lot from my mother as we watch Dr. Phil from the safety of our couch. I don’t think she’s calling the good Dr. a pig, although I suspect he feeds at a trough. She aims her sharp attack at the witless men on the TV screen who seem to have difficulty grasping the concept of fidelity.

Now I can say, “What a pig!” too, but for an entirely different reason. Check out the story.

You can’t get much happier than a pig in muck, or so we are told.

But when this little piggy arrived in the farmyard she showed a marked reluctance to get her trotters dirty.

While her six brothers and sisters messed around in the mire, she stayed on the edge shaking. It is thought she might have mysophobia – a fear of dirt.

A pig, fearing dirt. That’s like a dog fearing social interaction, a cat fearing afternoon naps or Rosie O'Donnell fearing an all you can eat buffet. It’s unheard of.

Owners Debbie and Andrew Keeble were at a loss, until they remembered the four miniature wellies used as pen and pencil holders in their office. They slipped them on the piglet’s feet – and into the mud she happily ploughed.

In case you are wondering, wellies are boots. My parents tried putting some wellies on me once, to keep me from sliding on the hardwood floors in the house. I gotta be honest, didn’t like ‘em one bit. But then again, I’m not a filthy pig.

Here’s where the story takes an interesting twist:

The couple, who run the award-winning Debbie and Andrew’s sausage company in Thirsk, North Yorkshire, named the young saddleback Cinders after Cinderella and her magical glass slippers.

‘Hopefully she will grow out of her phobia of mud before she needs a new set of boots.’

And when Cinder does need new boots, she’ll end up at the breakfast table…well on it, along with a few eggs, sunny side up.

Now on to my weekend. And whatta weekend it was. I'm a little short on time (Jerry Springer is about to come on) so I will give you a brief recap. It involved lots of trips to the dog park, lots of pork ears, and lots of belly rubs. Thank you Grandma Jo for sending two big bags of pork ears. Keep 'em coming.

FLASH

First Class Traveler

I like to travel.

I used to prefer walking, with a hobo stick and sack of snacks over my shoulder. Nowadays I’ve taken a liking to the ‘Old Man Express’ for my local needs. All that means is I get picked up while being carried on a long walk when I get tired and decide I do not want to move any further.

For long distance trips I prefer the passenger seat of our Honda Civic. No reason to sit in the back seat considering all I’ve done for this family. Lest you worry, I buckle up for safety’s sake, especially if my mother is at the helm.

Wordless Wednesday

notice Lu's paw on me. she's all up in my business trying to spoon with me. not interested!

Book Review

Good Tuesday morning friends! The sun in shining and the forecast is calling for 70 degree temps. A much better change from yesterday's rain.

Speaking of rain, the wet stuff came down all day yesterday. When it rains, Lulu and I are stuck inside all day with nothing to do but twiddle our paws in boredom. After watching re-runs of Animal Planet all morning, we decided to entertain ourselves in another way: by reading and reviewing Mom's brand-new Runner's World magazine that had just come in the mail. We thought we'd give it a read before Mom had a chance to look at it, and give her our reviews. Maybe mark the articles that were good and let her know of the ones she can skip to save her some time - after all, Mom is a busy woman. I'm sad to report that our efforts were not appreciated.

Lu uses her super dog leap to get her paws up to the counter top and drag the magazine down to my reading level. We read the first article entitled: "How Many Calories are you really burning?" Total snooze fest. However, we decide not to judge a book by its cover and move on to the next article: "Spring 2010 Running Shoe Guide." Another snoozer. We decide to give it one final shot and turn to an article entitled: "I'm a Runner: Sarah Palin". Are you freaking kidding me? Who wants to read about this broad? As president of the democractic dogs of America, I sure as heck don't.

I make the executive decision that there is nothing worthy for Mom to read in this Runner's World Magazine. Lulu and I decide to save Mom the time of disposing of this magazine, and do it ourselves.


I eagerly awaited Mom to get home so I could be rewarded with pork ears for my good faith efforts. Instead, I got put in time out. It must be that time of the month.

FLASH

Chased by Rabid Monsters

Hi folks. I apologize for the delay in my blog post this morning. I know most of you can't start your week without my wisdom. But, really, you should get on your knees right now and thank baby Jesus that I am alive. I had a brush with death on Saturday evening, and I'm just thankful to be alive to eat another pork ear.

Here's what went down: On Saturday evening, the Ruyle family - me, Lu, Mom & Dad - went for a nice family walk around around the neighborhood. Even the old man seemed to be in a good mood, because he was letting us sniff everything, rather than yanking our collars like he usually does. It was panning out to be a nice walk. As we were halfway through the walk, Mom suddenly noticed two rabid monster beasts running our way. Mom shrieked like a newborn baby, instantly putting me on alert. I stopped sniffing poop to check out the scene: low and behold, the beasts were headed our way and did not look friendly. Dad claimed they were Great Danes, but I am not so sure. I have Great Dane friends at the dog park, and they've never looked like they are about to eat me. I think they were monsters. The monsters started circling us with drool escaping their mouths and throwing paws out like they wanted a brawl. Mom was
hyper-ventilating, and Dad instructed us keep moving forward and ignore the beasts. They would not leave us alone. I was trying to keep it calm on the outside for Mom, but inside I was a little scared and felt a few trickles of urine roll down my hind leg.

Luckily, this story had a happy ending because we were saved by animal control. Someone had called the animal exterminator on these beasts and they showed up just in time to haul them away to monster jail.

I am very thankful Dog God was watching over me this weekend.
FLASH

Friday Post #2

Good afternoon readers. Today is your lucky day. Because I'm a bit bored today and trying to kill time before mom comes home and takes me to the dog park, I am posting my second blog post of the day. Also, I will probably not post tomorrow because I'll be busy getting my mack on at the dog park. I don't want to leave my readers deprived. You're welcome. (please send thanks in the form of pork ears).

We'll call this post "Fun Fact Friday." While surfing the web this afternoon, I came across some interesting facts about basset hounds. Some true, some blasphemy and some very disturbing. My comments are in red.

• The name, Basset Hound, derives from the word ‘bas’, which means low in French. Many believe this dog is a genetic dwarf and were actually born from other litters of French hounds. Genetic dwarf? When I find out who wrote this I will go over to their house and take a dump in their yard. And there is nothing dwarf size about my poops.
• The temperament of this breed is tranquil. They are well behaved, and have a gentle, devoted disposition. With this type of personality traits they are ideal for family life. The may be laid back but do not confuse it for being timid. They are a bit stubborn but are very loving with their owners and gentle with children. This is true in some cases. I am very well behaved; LuLu is not. Perhaps it is because she is a bastard child, part basset and part bloodhound.
• They are shorthaired and require regular brushing. They do shed constantly and may not be good for allergy suffers. Only shampoo them when really necessary. Dear Mom & Dad, please read the part about only shampooing me when really necessary. I am a victim of being bathed too frequently.
• Basset Hound is short-legged and has heavier bones (considering its size than any other dog. Translation: we are the dominant breed, and every dog should want to be like us.
  
• Bassets have a tendency to get fat because their sad look makes their owners feel bad for them and feed them more than usual. This was probably written by a fat person jealous of my svelte figure.
• They do tend to slobber more than other dogs. My mom loves my slobbery kisses.
• Training the basset hounds is a touchy topic. These dogs need an owner who is willing to have patience and take adequate time to train them. They often choose to listen to their own voice instead of their owner and it is hard to get them to follow commands. This is true. I am the boss, and I do what I want.
• Some are dignified, but most are clownish. Flash = dignified. LuLu= clownish

That's all for Fun Fact Friday Flash lovers. It's getting close to dog park time.

FLASH

A Hen's Nest

Cock-a-doodle-do. Good morning folks.

I start today with that intro because I love chickens, especially boiled. Nothing is better than sucking on the pimply rubber skin of a boiled chicken carcass. The dish is my father’s specialty. Well, if you take the microwave away from him, and his golf clubs, that is.

My mother? Not a fan. That’s why I get twice the helpings when Dad makes it. If Mom would just do me a favor and keep the overcooked spinach to herself, it would be a perfect date night meal.

Stress Test

I never put much stock in book learnin’.

Maybe it’s because I never went to college. Truth be told I never went to high school either, or even obedience training. I’m a dog from the streets, using common sense to get me where I am today.

Undoubtedly I’ve missed out on some great experiences: Guzzling water straight from a funnel while my brothers in arms chant “Chug, Chug, Chug!”, adding the freshman 15 with late night pizza treat delivery binges and going cow tipping instead of studying for the midterm sit/stay exam. Ahh, if only we were able to go back in time and choose differently.

Wordless Wednesday

That b**** LuLu is trying to steal my toy!

A Guest Blog Post from My Mom

Dear Flash (a.k.a. a pint-sized army tank who chews on bones, toys, chair legs, couch legs, table legs, people legs, and anything within jaws reach):

The time has come: you are going to doggy obedience school. Don't blame me, you've done this to yourself. When I look up stubborn in the dictionary, your face comes up. Don't worry, it will be fun.

*Hugs*,
Your Mom

Dog Park Adventures

It's Monday again, otherwise known as mandatory Monday which means Mom and Dad have to go away for 8 hours straight. This give me the sads. But, at least I have the memories of a great weekend at the dog park. We hit up the dog park Friday, Saturday and Sunday for some fun times. Below are some pictures that Mom took with her camera phone. (LuLu on the agility equipment)

(I was hoping LuLu would go home with her new friend in the green, but no such luck!) (Hanging with the boys) (sniffing, probably for doodoo)
(Sniffing for hidden treats)
(who's the most handsome dog in the bunch? Clue: starts with an "F", ends with an "H") (I think I've found a pork ear) (post dog park. worn out!) (Napping on the couch post-dog park. Notice Lu is on the floor, I'm on the couch. All hail King Flash!)