Punxsutawney Phil To Lose Job Too?

After quite some time on this planet what I’ve learned is that everything is replaceable.

My rawhides? Replaced by Lean Jerky.

The Lean Jerky? Replaced by 100% natural dog biscuits.

And those dog biscuits? Replaced by a whole lotta nothing.

Apparently I’m a fat tub of goo according to my parents, and the vet’s scale. But hey, at least nobody is talking about replacing me.

Chicks, man

I love chicks.

You know, chicks as in females of the opposite sex. Don’t get me wrong, I like baby chickens too. Especially with hot sauce.

Anyway, we all know that if you want to rough house it, you hang loose with a guy. If you want love and cuddling, your odds go up by having a female by your side.

This is nothing new. In fact it’s one of the unbreakable laws of the universe. Just like e=mc², so does female = unconditional love.

I know this, my sister Lulu knows this, and a dog named Fox surely knows this. Check out his story.

After tumbling from a cliff path on to a small beach, pet dog Fox was unhurt but trapped.

However, he was none too friendly to the coastguards winched down 80ft to rescue him - barking, growling and backing away.

Then, his owner Jane Ravine explained why - the collie-huskie cross has a phobia of men.

Her 13-year-old pet, named after his love of chasing foxes, fears and has a ‘loathing hatred’ of males.

Funny, my father told me the same sentiment was expressed by a few dogs he met in college.

Fox, who had already spent one night stuck on the Cornish beach, had to wait a second night while a female rescuer was summoned.

Marige Zwager, 31, abseiled down and coaxed him over with dog biscuits.

Fox then jumped into her arms and licked her face before allowing her to put him in a safety bag.

If you’re in China and you’re put in a ‘Safety Bag’ it means your going home as leftovers.

Miss Zwager, a Dutch- born member of the RSPCA’s cliff rescue team, said: ‘I abseiled down with a colleague and took some dog biscuits to coax him to me. He was cold, scared and hungry but my female charms worked.

Like I said, it’s one of the laws of the universe. Nothing works as well as female charm. Nothing.

Wordless Wednesday

Fun Fact Monday

Hello Basset Friends,
Since it's mandatory Monday which means back to work for Mom and Dad, I had some free time on my hands. So, I decided to do some reading. I present to you "Fun Fact Monday" with some interesting facts about bassets according to the world wide web. My comments are in red.

• The Basset Hound originated in medieval France and was a popular hunting dog.
• The first use of the word "Basset" in describing a breed of dog with short legs can be found in early French text written in the sixteenth century. (hey, watch the short jokes)
• After the French Revolution (1789), the Basset Hound was a favored hunting dog because it was a slower moving hound that could more easily be followed on foot and was useful in tracking small game. (slow? whatevs. obviously they have not seen me run. I can haul ass when I need too.)
• Most Basset Hounds enjoy the company of other dogs, pets, and family members and may even get lonely if frequently left alone for long periods of time. While they don't mind spending a lot of time sleeping, they also need daily attention and quality time with their owner(s). (I only enjoy the company of Lulu sometimes).
• Basset Hounds can be both sensitive and stubborn. They may get upset when scolded and at times may behave as though they don't hear your commands. (This one is true. Sometimes I pretend I don't know my name when Mom wants me to do something I don't want to do.)
• Basset Hounds have great endurance and can follow a scent for hours. But, since they also love naps and don't mind spending the day lounging around, they have a tendency to become overweight. Therefore, a Basset Hound needs regular exercise to keep its weight in check. (So, now we are short AND fat? WTF? What type of ass clown came up with these facts?)
• A healthy Basset Hound can expect to live 10 - 14 years with an average of 12 years. (I will live forever my friends)
• The Basset Hound has short legs but, it is not a small dog. Most weigh between 50 and 65 pounds. (Again with the short and fat jokes. Douchebag.)

FLASH MAN out.

Pooped!

Hello Flash lovers,
Happy Sunday to you! I had planned to get my game on at the dog park today, but to be honest with you I'm pooped. Yes, even too pooped to mac on some ladies at the dog park. Tragic, I know.

You see, Daddy's man friends from high school came into town last night so I did not get much sleep. Mommy was smart and disappeared for the night, but I was stuck with them.

After a night of rowdiness and raunchy jokes, I am left feeling like this (see picture).

So, I think I'll just chill on the couch for the rest of the day. The ladies at the dog park will just have to wait.

FLASH

Appetite for Destruction-20 Odd Items Eaten by Pets

I love hot dogs, hamburgers and anything covered in peanut butter. Well, almost anything covered in peanut butter.

I wouldn’t, for example, eat a wig covered in the creamy stuff, if only because it would take forever to get the hair out of my mouth. I also wouldn’t chow down on a tent peg or a fishing hook. But that’s just me.

Apparently, some of my compatriots have different tastes. Just take a look at this list compiled by PDSA PetAid hospitals.

Underwear, a kitchen knife and a wig have made a list of the top 10 weirdest items removed from the stomachs of the nation’s pets by an animal charity’s vets.

The list, released by PDSA, also includes a 10-inch tent peg, a bell, a fishing hook and a rubber duck.

PDSA senior veterinary surgeon, Sean Wensley, said: ‘There is a medical term for pets eating strange objects – pica.

‘Dogs, especially puppies and younger dogs, use their mouth to investigate objects as well as to eat. Sometimes a dog will swallow an object by mistake, even though it had only meant to investigate it.

Here's a list of the top 20 items:

1. Ten-inch tent peg
2. Christmas decoration (star shaped)
3. Kitchen knife
4. Alphabet fridge magnets
5. Man’s wig
6. Ann Summers underwear
7. Bell
8. Fishing hook
9. Socks
10. Rubber duck
11. Baby’s dummy
12. Golf balls
13. Coins
14. Balloons
15. Metal ball from a computer mouse
16. Shoe laces
17. Power ball
18. Corn on the cob
19. Needle and thread
20. Box of chocolates

Can I just comment on a few of the items above? I can? Thank you.

#4 – Alphabet fridge magnets-makes me wonder what the hungry pooch would have spelled when the letters came out the poop shoot. Maybe it would have been something like, “Help Me! I’m being held hostage by two psychopathic owners.”

Of course a phrase like that would require a healthy prostate to double as a spell checker.

#6 – Ann Summers’ underwear – I don’t know who Ann Summers is, but if her underwear is all the way at number six on the list, she must be a regular dumper in her drawers.

#11 – Baby’s dummy – My guess is this is the same as a canine’s dummy. If so, quite impressive to be able to swallow an owner whole, although I would surmise it takes some of the bitterness out of the treat.

#17 – Powerball – Hmmm, I wish they’d tell us what numbers they found. That way I could take them out of my lottery number rotation and increase my chance of winning.

After reading this list, I think I’ll just stick to the basics.

Wordless Wednesday

Vet Ensures Panda Express Lane Open

I’m a regular dog. Regular as in I poop at the same time, in the same spot, every day.

Occasionally my routine is disrupted with a poorly chosen treat from the hands of my parents, or from the garbage pail. Then I either can’t poop or have a chocolate geyser worthy of a best in class chocolate fondue fountain at a wedding.

I bring this up because I just read about a panda getting a colonoscopy.

Sure I could have brought up my love for Katie Couric and all she’s done for public poop shoot awareness, but that would be too ordinary of a lead in, and let’s face it, who doesn’t want to hear about my bowel movements?

Bad Dogs

This is what happens when Mom and Dad come home to find we have gotten up on the counter and devoured Mom's box of running Gu, as well as shredded a koozie to pieces all over the living room.
bad dogs, bad dogs, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we come for you...

Three Things Thursday

1. Lulu stinks and needs a bath. She also ate a bunch of napkins the other day and proceeded to throw up twice.

2. My sleeping arrangements need to return to me sleeping in my mom and dad's bed. No more of this sleeping on the couch bull crap**. Their bed is much more comfortable and I am tired of sleeping next to stinky Lu. I will continue to whine outside Mom and Dad's door at the wee hours until these arrangements are fixed.

3. The bastards people at Petsmart shaved me a little close under the belly on Friday, and now I have some major chafing going on when my belly rubs to the ground.

**I have been warned by mom to watch my language on this blog, so I refrained from using the S word. You're welcome.

That is all.
FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

A tasty delicacy called Virginia Peanuts

Happy Monday friends! It has indeed been a happy Monday for us basset hounds. Miss Lu and I indulged in the most wonderful delicacy this morning - a large can of peanuts all the way from Virginia!

We've been eyeing these peanuts since Grandma Jo brought them over Thanksgiving. We watch Mom and Dad eat them and not share one nut with us, while us poor bassets are salivating. So, Lu and I concocted a plan- to make the nuts ours!

You see the nuts reside on the living room/kitchen island, right next to Dad's computer. Since I am a full blood (handsome) basset, my legs are too short to jump up and reach any counter top. Lu, however, is not a full blood basset and isn't as much of a looker as me. However, Miss Lu does have one thing going for her: she has longer legs. She's mastered the kitchen counter tops, but has yet to be able to reach the living room/kitchen island counter. What Mom and Dad didn't know is that while they are at work, Miss Lu has been practicing extremely hard on her high jump with one goal in mind: to get the nuts.

And today that happened. After Mom left for work, Miss Lu gave it her best effort and pulled the very large can of nuts down from the counter. We used our teeth to pull the top off and inside was heaven: lots of Virginia peanuts!!!! Daddy caught us, but he did not ruin our fun and we had already devoured the can of nuts and I was licking the can clean when our mischief was discovered.

Daddy seemed pretty pissed that we ate his entire can of nuts, but he should really learn to share. Mom was worried we were going to get sick, but she doesn't realize we have stomachs of steel. Mom says if I keep eating like I do, I will look like the basset in this picture. I do not think that is true because of all the working out I do.

Grandma Jo, if you are reading this, please send more Virginia peanuts ASAP.

Thank you in advance,
FLASH

Go Cowboys!

Just wanted to give a shout out to my favorite football team - GO COWBOYS! As you can see, we're all settled down in the Ruyle house to watch the Cowboys beat the Eagles. I'm stylin' in my Cowboys collar. A Cowboys win usually equals extra treats for me, so GO BOYS!

P.S. Today was dog park today! So much fun except I got humped by a little yappy dog in a t-shirt.

Scared Shitless.

Not a good Friday for the Flash Man fellow basset lovers. I just got wind that I have to take a trip to Petsmart today at 4 pm. And, not for treats and toys. Today at 4 pm, I will be getting the following things done to me:

Shampoo; blow dry; 15-minute brush; nail trim; ear cleaning; sanitary trim; scissoring feet; shaving pads and anal gland cleaning. Oh, and teeth brushing.

A stranger will be touching me in inappropriate places and I do not like it one bit. And, afterwards they'll probably put some fufu bows in my hair.

Lulu does not have to go. This is unfair. This is bullshit (pardon my french friends). I will pay Mom and Dad back for this buy waking them up at an ungodly hour for the next week.

Pissed off,
FLASH

Gimme a Break

Daddy Dan sent the following emails to Mommy Erin yesterday at work:
"So I guess Flash ripped LuLu's ID tag of her collar. I found it in the floor. I can't find the metal thing that holds the tag on the collar though. Maybe it will show up around the house."

and this one:
"So as I was laying in bed this morning trying to get up I heard something unusual. It was like something was getting on the cabinets. Some stuff was rustling around. Then it got really quiet. So I gotnervous. Good thing I went to check. LuLu had yanked some stuff of the computer desk in the kitchen. My phone was hanging in the floor from the charger. They were laying in the living room going through my wallet. They also had your new Coach wallet and your running gloves in the floor. Luckily I caught them before they destroyed anything.Oh doggies! I just want to thank you for putting crack in their food this morning."

All lies I tell you, all lies!!!!!

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Hello friends. I do not have a lot of time to write today as I am a busy, busy basset these days. I've decided to be Mom's pace dog in her upcoming Ironman on June 27. What? You don't think I can handle it? I may be no greyhound, but I am a pretty darn fine athlete. Don't let the short legs fool you. So, I've been busy swimming, running and cycling a lot these days. I've already dropped a few lbs and have noticed the muscles getting bigger in my legs.

Since I don't have much time to impart my witty wisdom on you, I thought I would leave you with this picture. This is what I look like after a hard day of working out.

Off to the gym,
FLASH