Name Calling

I’ve never bitten anyone in my life.

Well, bitten anyone really hard, that is. I have had a nibble or two of human skin, but almost always in a playful way. The only exception being the one man that tried to kidnap me from my mother’s car when I was a pup. I never told my parents about the incident so this probably comes as a shock for them to read.

What can I say, when a human sees a talented dog, especially one that can type, they’re apt to want him. So it was left up to me to defend myself. The outcome was never in doubt. Anyway, he tasted like chicken and I never had the occasion to taste him again, the case of burps shortly thereafter not withstanding. Canines are correct in saying things taste better the second time around.

Which lead me to this story is something that happened over the weekend to my Old Man. Some name calling that made me want to take another chuck of human skin from a snotty nose kid in my Old Man's defense.

Here's what happened. It was a nice spring-like Saturday so my parents decided to spend the day at Austin Parks & Pizza, which is similar to Chuck E Cheese, minus the scary talking mice. The Old Man got a hankering to ride the bumper boats with the squirting water guns on them. What can I say - he's a big kid at heart. The Old Man and about 8 children loaded into their bumper boats and off they went for a water gun war, while my mom stood on the sidelines shaking her head.

That's when it happened. One of the little people announced "Let's all get Gramps!"and everyone turned their water guns to the Old Man. While I happen to think it's pretty funny that he got the bad end of a water gun war, I do not think the name calling is funny. Words hurt people. Calling a 35 year old man "Gramps" can do a lot to damage someone's ego. Even I use the more PC term - Old Man - and, that's in a joking matter.

I wish I could have been there to witness this because I would have taken a chunk out of the bully's arm in 2 seconds flat. They don't call me Flash for nothing...

So, if you happen to see my father this week, please compliment him on how young he looks. He needs the moral boost after Saturday.

FLASH

Doin' What We Do Best

Doin' what we bassets do best .... nap!

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

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Tuesday Musings

I don’t know why other animals think it’s such a great thing to be a human’s pet. Let me tell you, there are plenty of challenges getting my owners to provide goodies for my belly. You’d be shocked if you heard of the the humiliating things they make you do. Who else but a sadistic owner would think of putting a biscuit on the nose of their pet and not allowing it to move until the OK signal is given? That’s like putting a jelly donut on Rosie O’Donnell’s face and not letting her eat it. It’s cruel.

Just sayin'.

FLASH

Presidents Day

Dear Mr. Obama,
Today is Presidents day, and I am just wondering why my mom doesn't have today off? Seems unfair, especially since she voted for you. Also, she ran a marathon yesterday. You would think she would be rewarded other than having to sit in an office for eight hours.

Anxiously awaiting your reply...
FLASH

Extreme Makeover: Canine Edition???

I don’t know why humans just can’t leave good enough alone. First they have makeovers for themselves, then for their homes and now for their pets. While drinking my morning coffee this morning, I came across the following article:

A Chicago pet boutique and an Oak Park dog trainer are offering the Supreme Makeover: Dog Edition.

Soggy Paws and Animal Sense Canine Behavior and Training will give 90-day, nose-to-tail, inside-and-out makeovers to two dogs.

I understand the outside makeover part but how do you make over one’s inside? Do you give a good scrubbing to the little intestine? A cleansing of the colon? A power washing of the inner stomach?

Alas, the article doesn’t really touch on that aspect of the makeover but it does outline the key activities involved.

The makeovers include grooming, individualized training, vet care and dental cleaning, wellness training with holistic vet care, a nutritional makeover, collar, toys, treats and more.

There will be two winners, one a household pet and one a shelter/rescue dog.

Frankly I’m offended by that last line. Not that there will be two winners but that a household pet is different than a shelter/rescue dog.

Hello, I’m a perfect example of a shelter dog that is a pet…and let me tell you one thing, I don’t need no stinkin’ makeover. I’m perfect. Just ask my parents, they’ll confirm it. But before you do, can you make sure to let them cool down first. You see I just got done peeing on the rug.

Can you say Extreme Makeover: Rug Edition?

FLASH

Tuesday Funny

So my mother walks into the local Pet Smart store with me safely secured on a leash next to her, and one of the employees has the audacity to ask, “Is that a pig you got with you?”

The nerve of that guy. I was so mad I could hardly reply back, “No, that’s my mother!”

OK…it’s an old joke, but always smells fresh to me.

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Love is in the Air...

As some of you know today is Valentine’s Day. I’m not one for love and cuddling because a day on the calendar tells me to do so. No, I do it because I want to. Ok, maybe not so much the love part, but the cuddling is to die for.

I admit Valentine’s Day has me a little miffed. The typical gifts of candy and flowers just don’t do it for me. Flowers? What am I supposed to do with them? Sure they might come in handy at Rocky the Squirrel’s funeral, but let’s be honest, I won’t get the invite.

Speaking of funerals, the candy associated with this day is deep, dark chocolate. If you want me dead, it would be easier to just tie me down on the Amtrack rails of the northeast corridor. It would be quicker, unless of course the train was running late again.

Maybe my focus on Valentine’s Day should be on the giving part...

FLASH

Wanted

Wanted: Flash T. Ruyle for two counts of murder. Flash is being charged with murder in the first degree of a brand new yellow duck and a brand new pink dog. Both were new toys given to him by his mother yesterday, only to be gutted to death in a horrendous way in a matter of hours. If seen, please call 911 immediately. The suspect is approximately 2 dogs long and 1/2 a dog tall. He is approx 60 pounds with long ears. He answers to both Flash, Flashman and asshole.GEORGETOWN PD

Terrific Tuesday

Looks like it's gonna turn out to be a Terrific Tuesday for me ...
Mom went shopping!FLASH

Banned Superbowl Commercial

I love dogs that help humanity live a better life. I’m just not sure which dog in this video is helping more. I’ll let you decide.