My Trip to the Pet "Resort"

First things first. Please see below for my report card from Zoot, the pet resort I stayed at over the weekend. My excellent marks earned me two corn dogs from Sonic.....score!

It's a little hard to read, but the most important thing to take away from the report is the line 'Thanks for bringing Flash to Zoot - he is a joy'! Okay, maybe it says 'Thanks for bringing Flash & Lulu to Zoot - they were a joy' - but you get the picture - they loved me.

One more clarification. On my report card it says I liked playing with Harley and Max. Er, untrue. I did not like anything about Max. I spent playtime running from him as he tried to mount me. For what it’s worth, once I gave him my Milkbone money, the threat was notably reduced.

While I did have an enjoyable time at Zoot, I'm confused about why my mom kept referring to it as a pet resort. All I heard last week was 'Flash, you're going to a pet resort for the weekend! You're going to have so much fun.' I was expecting an all-inclusive luxury resort with unlimited Bowser Beer and Milkbones, lush accommodations and personalized service. I was expecting to enjoy gentle breezes and breathtaking sunsets. Instead I was stuck in a room with Lulu (whom I prefer not to vacation with), had to listen to a poodle bark all night, and to be honest, the kibble they served was a little on the dry side.

The Old Man grumbled because he had pay more per night for our stay then his hotel room cost for a night, but hey, I'm obviously worth it...

FLASH

Dear God...

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Love,
FLASH

A Day Late and a Dollar Short...

I tell ya, the young pups today got it made. Times have certainly changed since I was born. I remember having to walk three miles to obedience class, in deep snow, uphill, both ways. Today, the kids get rides in big SUV’s with heated seats.

Now I find out that even getting neutered isn’t an issue any more.

Male dogs can breathe a sigh of relief. The days of removing their testicles to stop them breeding or to curb aggressive behaviour may be numbered. A contraceptive implant that halts testosterone and sperm production for months at a time is expected to gain European approval within weeks, while steps are being taken to enable the drug to be sold in the US.

If I’d only been born ten years later, I’d have me an iPod, an iPhone and my iNuts.

FLASH

Up for Adoption

Mom and Dad are back from vacation. In case you are wondering, no, they did not bring me back a souvenir. Typical.

I’ve heard about these things owners call vacations. Typically they’re long road trips to coastal towns for fun and sun. For me, it means having to put up with either a dog sitter or raucous cage neighbors at the local kennel. It’s not a lot of fun.

So, you can imagine my disgust when I heard they will be headed out of town again this weekend. Even worse, this weekend I'll be sent to a kennel where I'll be forced to steer clear of getting a doggie shiv to the intestines from Bruiser the Pit Bull.

Anyone want to adopt me? I'm not getting the love, attention and respect I deserve in Casa Ruyle.

FLASH

Beach Bound Hound

I wish I could say that the title of this post is indeed the truth...but it's not.

It appears that my parents are going on vacation for a long weekend, and I will be stuck at home with a dog sitter and Lulu.

While they spent the weekend at the beach taking in the sun, the water and gobs of fatty food I was relegated to my backyard in Georgetown.

It still puzzles me why I’m not invited along to their pilgrimage to the coast.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan of water, but hey, I’m willing to learn.

Maybe it's because dogs get a bad rap when it comes to beach side communities. Residents think we do nothing but poop on their precious sandy beaches. I got news for them, we poop on their lawns too.

Oh well. I hope they bring me some good souvenirs.

FLASH

Flash Knows All

I’ve never been impressed by those who have attended institutions of higher learning.

I say that as a graduate of one of the premier dog academies in the country, Fire Hydrant U.

My mom has been telling the Old Man how smart I am. See, there are three words that I choose to react to: Walk, Kibble & Treat. Mom is so impressed that when she says these words, I immediately give a good ole basset howl and head over to the front door or the treat counter.

Little does she know, I know many more words than just those three. Those are just merely the words I choose to react to.

I also know sit, stay and heel. I just choose to ignore those. Command me to go pee pee, poopie or stop licking and I know how to do it. I could give paw, roll over and bark for anyone if I wanted to. I just don't want to.

I know so many words you could call me Mr. Wikipedia. But what do you expect from a dog whose IQ is in excess of 12?

Humans think they’re so superior. They believe no animal is capable of outsmarting them...

FLASH

Neglected

My mom and the Old Man were gone most of the weekend. I am feeling very neglected. That is all.

FLASH

I'm Back

Sorry for the blog post outage over the past few days but I was on holiday this past weekend. That makes me sound European doesn’t it…you know, the on holiday part, but I’m really not. But, did you know that holiday means different things to different people? It sure does. For instance, my parents think it means to go away to the east coast, visit friends and relaxing all day.

For my sister Lulu and me holiday means spending quality time holed up in a large cage at our veterinarians. So while my parents eat, drink and dance the night away, I get to smell Lulu’s anal vapor and watch her submissively pee over half the cage. If that doesn’t sound like much of a holiday, you’re right.

That’s why it’s good to be back at the keyboard bringing you the latest and greatest animal related news. So let’s get it going with an animal attacking a human.

A Wal-Mart shopper looking for a deal in the garden department found more than he bargained for when he startled a poisonous pygmy rattlesnake hiding in some plants.

The foot-long rattler jumped out and bit him, striking his right hand in between his thumb and index finger.

”[The bite] wouldn’t have been been fatal with an adult male. But you could lose a finger,” said Capt. Ernie Jillson, an officer with the antivenin unit.

I guess in this Wal-Mart you don’t have to watch out for falling prices but rather falling fingers, as in falling off your hand.

Pygmy rattlesnakes grow to be between 18 and 24 inches long and have a small rattle: ”It sounds like a bee buzzing so there’s not a lot of warning,” Jillson said.

Why are they hating on the pygmies? Don’t they think midget rattlesnakes know their rattle doesn’t measure up to a regular sized rattler? Why not say something positive about them…like…uhm…like you can fit a lot of them in a clown car or uhm…it’s not the size of the rattle but how you use it?

”People need to look before you touch,” [Officer] Jillson said.

Because you know, everyone should expect to encounter a rattler at Wal-Mart.

UPDATE:

This wasn’t part of my original posting but in looking for some background information I found this link!

The story goes back to 2007 when seven shopper were bitten by pygmy rattlers!! Seven! Holy heck I’m going to have my old man go shopping there tomorrow. One quick bite and he’s going to earn a six figure settlement from Sam Walton and family. Oh yeah, after that it’s going to be corn dogs every night.

FLASH

Flying Hound

Just wondering why I wasn't cast for this commercial...

A Dog's 10 Requests

I usually don't get sappy and sentimental on this blog, but I came across something that tugged at my heart strings and had to share. This may have even made my mom tear up, but don't tell her I told you.

A Dog’s 10 requests

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any lengthy separation from you is likely to be painful for me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me and I will give it ten-fold.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me away as punishment. You have your work, friends & entertainment. I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I do understand your voice when you are speaking to me.
6. Be aware that how you treat me, good or bad, I will never forget. The treatment you give me will shape my view of yourself and all other humans.
7. Before you hit or strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate, most difficult journey, go with me please. Don’t say you can’t bear to watch and make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

FLASH

Someone say something about this picture...

What's wrong with the picture below? I don't even know where to begin. The dog legs are mine, and the human legs are the Old Man's, by the way...
The Old Man called me up on the couch, and I obeyed, thinking he might have a treat for me. The next thing I knew, I was in the compromising position you see in the picture.

You're damn right I got out of there before there was any bad touch involved.

Not cool, Old Man. Not Cool!

FLASH