Lookin' for a Party

Hey peeps. I'm looking for a party. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and my parents said they aren't going to stay up until midnight. Lame. New Year's Eve is supposed to mean booze and bitches (clarification: female dogs), and I'm stuck home with two fuddy duddies and Lulu.

So invite me to your party. I will be the life of the party. Call me. Or text me. Or just come kidnap me.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Nothing like a mid-morning slumber...FLASH

Chunky Monkey

Is it just me or has Lulu grown a double chin? Looks like someone needs to lay off the corn dogs...FLASH

My adventure to Berry Springs Park

First: I had a nice Christmas. Santa Paws was very good to me, as he should be since I am a good boy. It was great to meet some new family members from Michigan. They seemed to find me very cute and entertaining, so I like them.

Old Man said good thing Christmas was on Saturday, because according to him I did something very naughty yesterday. Long story short: I rolled in fresh horse (pig?) poop until my coat was covered in it. We went to Berry Springs Park in Georgetown and as soon as I got scent of fresh cow manure, I slipped my collar and made a run for it, rolling around and around while Mom screamed to stop and the Old Man stared dumbfounded at me.

Once I had my fill of fresh cow poop, I went to Mom to get my collar back on but no one wanted anything to do with me. Mom took over her coat and began wiping me down with it and saying 'bad, bad boy.' Bad boy? Doesn't she know if you're a dog, this fascination with stinky bouquets is normal?

That ended my park trip and I was dragged back to the car. I tried to alert Mom that she left her jacket behind but she said I ruined it. Once back at the house, I was forced into the shower where I was thoroughly scrubbed of all my fresh manure.

The effect of rolling in another animals' excrement is about as good as it gets for some dogs. I wish my parents understood this.

FLASH

And sometimes I really do like the guy...

The Old Man saved me from looking like this on Christmas.Mom was seriously going to buy these and make me wear them, but the Old Man put his foot down. Sometimes I really do like that guy...

FLASH

Who IS this guy?

I witnesssed a few disturbing conversations yesterday.

Mom told the Old Man she wanted pancakes for Christmas breakfast. My ears instantly perked up at the word 'pancake' as I love those things, particularly shaped as a kitty cat and covered in syrup. The Old Man said he doesn't know how to make pancakes. Seriously. Who doesn't know how to make pancakes???

Mom also told the Old Man that the movie 'Elf' is showing at the Drafthouse this week, and she wants to go see it. The Old Man sat there with a blank stare on his face, and said he's never seen it. I barked, 'C'mon, it's a CLASSIC. Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf. Surely you've seen it.'

Nope. The Old Man has never seen Elf. He doesn't know how to make pancakes. Who IS this guy?

Christmas is ruined.

FLASH

Weekend Highlights & Lowlights

Happy Monday Flash lovers. Here are a few highlights and lowlights of my trip to Dallas this weekend.

• Lowlight: The drive to Dallas sucked. Traffic sucked kitty snickers and it took us 4.5 hours to get there. Lulu released her anal glands on the drive up which made it an extra special trip.
  
• Lowlight: Since we were late we also missed Christmas lunch.
  
• Highlight: Grandpa Jerry was there. He gave us lots of treats, belly rubs and bought us a corn dog from Sonic.
  
• Highlight/Lowlight: There were lots of little people there. Lulu did not do so well with the little people (she growled when they tried to wrestle and pin her to the ground). For the most part I like the little people. I tolerate when they pull my tail and try to ride me like a pony. One thing, however, I will not tolerate is being kicked. Luckily mom stepped in so I did not have to seek revenge by pooping in their shoes.
  
• Highlight: They live in the country, so lots of good sniffing.
  
• Lowlight: There were large amounts of bacon, but I was not given any.
  
• Highlight: There was a present for me under the tree.
  
• Highlight: The drive home did not take near as long as the drive up.
  
• Lowlight: I had to ride home with the Old Man. He had gas.

FLASH

Facebook Me

Your favorite basset is now on Facebook! Keep up to date with my daily eating, sleeping and pooping by Facebooking me at
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=100001677565085

FLASH

Dear Mom, please read this...

What does a basset have to do around here to get a corn dog? Methinks it's a corn dog kind of day.

So, who is going to bring me a corn dog????

FLASH

Dallas Bound

It appears as if we are Dallas bound again this weekend. The Old Man is heading up early (please take Lulu with you) and the rest of us will be heading up Saturday morning.

I will be Mom's co-pilot and lick her on the face when I want a milkbone. For long distance trips such as this I prefer the passenger seat of our Honda Civic. No reason to sit in the back seat considering all I’ve done for this family. Lest you worry, I will buckle up for safety’s sake, especially since my mother is at the helm.

I will ask her to keep car moving preferably 5 miles above the speed limit so we can get there by lunch time. We're going to visit the Old Man's family to celebrate Christmas and they cook a lot of food that makes me put on my best begging face. And there's always bacon. Lots of bacon.

I also hope there will be several presents addressed to Flash Toby under the tree. If not, it may cause me to go on a massive peeing spree. I also hope the little people do not pull my tail again this year.

FLASH

Wii

I remember my first video game system … Sega Genesis. It was a hand me down from my father. Although I enjoyed Donkey Kong immensely, my all time favorite was Burgertime.

Let’s be honest, what’s not to like about making burgers that are five times bigger than the chef? I’d just wished I’d had opposable thumbs so I could control the game better.

Life is so much easier for pups today because they have access to the Wii. Although I don’t have any direct experience with the system, I’m waiting for the next generation Poo to come out, I hear the system kills.

To back that up, here’s a story I came across.

A puppy has been brought back from the dead by mouth-to-mouth resuscitation – after it was nearly killed by a wayward Nintendo Wii controller.

Five-month-old Ozzy, a miniature Sheltie belonging to Kathy White of Marquette in Michigan, was knocked unconscious and stopped breathing after White accidentally hit him with the Wiimote while playing Wii Sports Bowling.

‘We had just got the Wii for Christmas, so we were trying it out,’ White told 9news.com, ‘and that’s when Alexis and I were bowling and Ozzy was standing by me and he jumped up and I hit him in the temple and killed him instantly.’

Fortunately for Ozzy, White’s neighbour Pene Honey responded to her call for help – and managed to bring him back from the brink by giving him mouth-to-mouth.

I don’t know what surprises me more; that one shot to the temple can kill you or that bowling is considered a sport.

FLASH

R.I.P.

R.I.P Mister Gingerbread Man

Get your wallets out...

It's time to get your wallets out this weekend and do some shopping for your favorite basset! I'll take two of everything.

FLASH

Proof that Dogs and Their Owners Look Alike

Proof that Dogs and Their Owners Look Alike

On a side note, Mom took Lulu and I to Petsmart last night for a new toy. We came home with a new box of Milkbones and a stuffed squeaky toy which we promptly ripped to shreds. Had to show 'em who's boss.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Aren't I handsome?

Back from Vegas...

I'm back from Vegas 100 milkbones richer and 5 pounds heavier. I didn't do anything too stupid like get hitched while I was in Sin City, but I had a damn good time. Now if you excuse me I'm a little hungover from all the paryting so I think I'll take a nap.

Hasta later.
FLASH

VIVA LAS VEGAS!

I've got my bags packed, and I am ready to PARTY! This time tomorrow Flash T. Ruyle will be airbound and headed West towards beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.

I'm hoping my time there closely resembles the scenes from the movie 'The Hangover.'

But I won't be able to tell you about my trip. Because, remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

FLASH

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I have tried very hard to be a good dog this year, so here is my Christmas wish list. As you can see it is not very long, but some of the items on it may be quite tricky for you to arrange.

First of all, I would like a quiet Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I love visitors, but my parents tend to get a bit busy when visitors are around, and I miss out on walks and play sessions. Please don’t let too many small crawling people come to visit. Last time they visited they pulled my tail and even stole my toys, which really isn’t nice.

The best bit about Christmas is all the food. Turkey, pumpkin pies and chocolate all smell delicious and I am very keen to try them all, but apparently I am not allowed to as they could make me very sick. I hope no one leaves them lying around as I am not very good at resisting temptation, and frankly it's just cruel and unusual punishment.

As far as actual presents go there isn’t much that I need (however it could be argued that I deserve a lot based on my good beahvior all year). A new Kong would be good as mine is looking a bit chewed and tatty. Kongs are definitely the best way to eat - so much more fun than a boring food bowl. Having said that, I would be quite happy to try out any of the other puzzle feeders.

Also, please bring me squeaky toys and treats. Lots of treats actually. Did I mention that I really like pork ears? And, most importantly - NO CLOTHES please.

Look forward to seeing you on Christmas Eve. I promise not to chase the reindeer but please shout ‘hello’ before you come down the chimney. I wouldn’t want to mistake you for a burglar.


Tail wags and licks,
FLASH

PS. Please, please don’t let my parents make me wear the reindeer horns.

Santa Paws

I’m not ashamed to say it, I love Christmas. Sure there will be those out there in cyberspace that may think it’s politically incorrect to be religion specific, but frankly, this dog doesn’t give a sniff. Not when presents are involved.

I’ll admit that around this time of year I always suck up to the big guy. You know him; he’s the one in really big red pants, red shirt and the funny red hat. I believe it’s the prudent thing to do as I look to add to my toy and food collection.

I'd like to say a special thanks to my sister, Lulu, who just bumped me off the naughty list onto the nice one.

FLASH

I'm Back

I'm back from the holiday break. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat too much turkey? I did. Well it's Monday... I guess it's back to work...which in my case means napping on the couch.

Anyway, I decided to put my paws to the key pad this morning and write some pose to sum up my Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy!

A Thanksgiving Poem

by FLASH

I ate too much turkey,
I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie,
I'm stuffed up with muffins
and much too much stuffin',
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate
and I ate and I ate,
but I wish I had known when to stop,
for I'm so crammed with yams,
sauces, gravies, and jams
that my buttons are starting to pop.
I'm full of tomatoes
and french fried potatoes,
my stomach is swollen and sore,
but there's still some dessert,
so I guess it won't hurt
if I eat just a little bit more.

Waiting Game

First of all, who turned on the heat? It's 80 degrees and humid here again today. Dear Old Man Winter, where the hell are you?

Not much going on. At this point, it's just a waiting game for me. T-minus two days until I can indulge in a Thanksgiving feast. I have been making room in my system by taking ginormous dumps in the backyard.

I've also been thinking about what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for pork ears, treats, bacon, and Melody the Basset who lives down the street. Not so thankful for Lulu. But, what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving is that my mom isn't doing any of the cooking. If you've ever tasted her "cooking", you would agree.

Love and Turkey Guts,
FLASH

Holiday Safety

Did you ever notice that around the various holidays throughout the year, there are some folks who find the need to highlight all the dangerous things in the world as it relates to pets? Well, here’s another such article.

The Internet is full of holiday pet safety warnings – some real ones, some imagined ones. Here, in an attempt to separate the fact from the fiction, is a list of 10 things to watch out for.

All righty then. Let’s take them one by one and see how this list stacks up to the dangers this world has to offer.

1. Turkey is bad for dogs. Not true! Turkey bones are (they can splinter), and gorging on turkey fat can cause pancreatitis (take note, Uncle Fred), but turkey meat – despite the fretting on many internet forums – poses no danger to dogs.

I like the tone of this article early. Turkey is great for canines, especially me. I’d rather have the meat than the bones anyway so I’m not worried about splinters in my belly. As for pancreatitis, I don’t know what the big deal is, I love them stacked high with maple syrup on top.

2. Poinsettias can be toxic for pets. True!

I’m more of a white rose type of guy anyway.

3. Pine needles are toxic to pets. True and false.

Let’s be honest. Pine needles could be as toxic as my father’s underwear after a weekend with the boys, but they’d do no harm. There isn’t a pet in their right mind that’s eating pine needles voluntarily.

4. Tinsel can kill your pet. Theoretically, yes it can cause trouble. If you should see tinsel or any other possibly long object protruding from your pets…rectum, don’t try to pull it out.

Theoretically and in reality it causes problems. Just look at Tinseltown. That place has caused more trouble for canines than any other part of this world. There’s Lassie almost drinking himself to death, Rin Tin Tin shooting Savory Sauce into his veins and Beethoven begging for acceptance with his sixth family. Rectum? It nearly killed ‘em.

5. Electric lights.

Next thing you know, they won’t trust us to use the indoor plumbing. Let’s see a human enjoy going outside to do a number 2 while the neighborhood looks on in anticipation.

6. Candles. Most dogs know enough not to stick their nose in a flame.

There’s nothing dangerous about candles. I like to light them and put them around the bathtub when I bathe. A little classical music in the background, some Dostoyevsky and I’m in heaven.

7. Ahhh, dessert. Your best bet is to keep them all away from your pet.

I call bullcrap on this bullet. Desserts are not dangerous to dogs. The author of this article is just trying to keep all the sweet goodness to himself.

8. The crowds. With a lot of new and strange humans in the house, your dog or cat could get stressed out by the holiday hub-bub.

The only human in my house I find to be strange is the Old Man.

9. Decorations on the tree. Don’t use cookie ornaments.

Don’t agree. Please use cookie ornaments, preferably ones made by someone other than my mother.

10. The presents under the tree. These, too, can intrigue your pet, especially if you have a dog that likes to unwrap things, and especially if any of the things might contain food product.

What do you think we do when our owner’s are away? Well, we’re shaking the packages under the tree to guess what they may contain. Cats aren’t the only ones that are curious.

So, in the final analysis it doesn’t appear that the holidays pose a big risk to my brethren and me. To that end I wish all of you a safe and happy holiday season too.

FLASH

New Snout on the Block

I've got a dog crush. And I am crushing on this chick bad!

You might be thinking "Flash, you are such a handsome dog, you could get any chick you want." Well, you're right - I am damn handsome and in the past I've been what they like to call a "Player." But, as Big Pun so eloquently stated, 'don't hate the player, hate the game.' But there is something special about this new chick. Something that makes me want to settle down. She's not your typically hood dog - she's someone you could take home to meet your mom.

Anyway, about this new dog. She's a beautiful basset hound puppy named Melody who was just adopted by a family down the street from us. We were on a walk when I spotted her and stopped dead in my tracks. I was so enchanted I think I felt a little dribble down my leg. Mom stopped to chat with their owner while I tried to get up the courage to sniff this beautiful creature.

Usually I can shoot the breeze with the ladies, spouting out romantic one liners to make them fall in love with the Flashmeister. But something weird happened. I was speechless. I was so taken by this Melody that I couldn't even bark my name. Then Mom dragged me away before I was able to get her number.

So, Melody, if you happen to read this, I would like to take you out on a date to Sonic for Corndogs. My mom will drive. Hit me up at 546-FLASH. I'll be looking for you in the neighborhood.

Love,
FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

FLASH

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is next week, and I am certainly looking forward to it. For me it’s always nice because my grandparents as well as other family members will be around. This gives me lots of additional begging time. I usually gain about five pounds during Thanksgiving weekend.

It’s also the time of year I get my filling of Turkey. Breakfast, lunch and dinner have some form of turkey added in my kibble. It’s used for everything.

After reading the news this morning, I realized there was one other use I hadn’t thought of. Take a look…

North Carolina authorities say a shopper clubbed an alleged carjacker with a frozen turkey as he tried to steal a woman’s car in a grocery store parking lot Sunday.

Police say 30-year-old Fred Louis Ervin of Raleigh stole money from a gas station before running across the street to a Harris Teeter store in a town just south of Raleigh. Garner police say he began beating Irene Moorman Bailey while stealing her car.

Other shoppers came to her rescue, including one who hit Ervin with the turkey.

Despite serious head injuries, Ervin got away in Bailey’s car and hit several other cars as he fled. But police arrested him a short time later.

My advice to the would be carjacker: stop your criminal activities, even if you have to do it cold turkey. (Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week…)

FLASH

My Weekend

So Mom and Dad went to San Antonio this weekend. I thought they said Dog and I was going with, but not so much. Anyways, I am glad I stayed home because my friend Steffi came to stay with Lulu and I, and we had a great time.

I really like Steffi, mostly because she brought me a corn dog, but also because she takes me on nice walks without complaining like the Old Man, and she's also much better at fetch than the Old Man.

Thank you Steffi for taking such good care of us! You can come by and play with me anytime. I nap daily from 9 am - 3 pm, but I am free any time after that. Feel free to bring a corn dog with you.

FLASH

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday!

Happy Veteran's Day

Today is Veterans Day, and like most of my fellow canines, I’m looking forward to having a day off.

I’ve always felt a bit guilty about having Veterans Day off; after all I didn’t do anything to deserve it. My mom and the Old Man don't even get the day off. Let’s face it, most people employed outside of banking, government, and education won’t have a day to enjoy the freedoms that our veterans help secure. I don’t have the power to persuade companies to give everyone the day off work, but I can do my part to honor those who have served. To that end, I’d like to dedicate this blog to the men and women in my family who have served.

My great, great, great, great uncle of mine, who was a Doberman by the way, landed on the beaches of Normandy. His responsibility on D-Day was to chase the German Shepherds from the hilltops on the often overlooked beach called Kennel Cough. Every dog historian I’ve read agrees it was the most dangerous of all the landing zones.

Although outnumbered, and out-positioned, the courage of my distant relative shone through. He jumped from his boat a dangerous 400 yards from shore. Weighted down with Purina One he barely managed to doggie paddle his way onto the beach. Once there, he had to navigate a booby trapped beach covered in poos.

No, not a bunch of Winnies laying in the sun, but rather the kind of poos that come out of the business end of a cat. Highly trained as he was, my uncle swallowed the turds as if they were delicate treats until he was within barking distance of his enemies. He climbed the cliffs and stormed the closest tower.

Vicious barking could be heard from inside until my uncle emerged back through the doorway. There, in his mouth, was Colonel Sauer Kraut, a german squirrel with ill intentions, begging to be let go.

My uncle, a creature who loved mother nature’s bounty, let Sauer Kraut free out of the kindness of his heart. It seemed the right thing to do then.

If only my uncle were still around. At least I have his memory. Long live our fighting heroes.

FLASH

FOOD

You may be thinking to yourself, “Flash is such a laid back boy. I bet he never gets angry.”

Well, you’d be wrong. I get mad at a lot of things. Take politicians, for instance. They promise everything and always come up short, especially when it comes to putting a tenderloin in every bowl.

I get angry at cats too. They just yap it up all day long…meow, meow, meow…and then expect to be waited on hand and foot. How much can a dog take when he’s trying to nap the day away?

Want to see my big head get red hot? Turn on the TV and have me watch rich, lazy dogs that have done nothing to deserve the camera time. You and I both know I should be the one in high definition playing the leading love bug.

But there’s one act that trumps all of that: the willful misuse/destruction of food.

Today's rant is aimed at my Old Man. The story involves a big bowl of salad, pizza, a hot pocket and peanuts.

My mom and I have two unspoken rules in our house - 1 - food will not go to waste. Any unwanted food will go to yours truly; and 2- I get the lick all plates before they go in the dishwasher (and mom usually leaves a little somethin' somethin' in the bowl for me).

The Old Man blatantly broke both rules last night. First, upon cleaning out the refrigerator, he dumped out an entire bowl of salad into the garbage. I usually am not a fan of the leafy greens, but this particular salad had a lot of cheese in it. Hey, old man, how about dumping that salad into my food bowl? Did you know there are thousands of starving bassets in this world?

I was already fighting mad after witnessing the salad escapade, but had high hopes the Old Man would redeem himself when I saw him sit down to eat his dinner of left over pizza, and a hot pocket, accompanied by a very large can of peanuts. I knew he wouldn't eat his pizza crust so I was already banking on the pizza crust and hoping for some leftover crumbs of the hot pocket. The can of peanuts was so large, that surely he would share and throw a few my way.

NO. NOTHING. NADA.

I barked 'asshole' at him and took my begging to my mom.

FLASH

Uhhhh.....

How do you know you’re having a bad day? When you’re on vacation in Australia, and you stop to do your business and then this happens to you. Fortunately it happened to a human and not a canine, but even I feel embarrassed for this guy.

A ROADSIDE toilet stop ended in pain, embarrassment and almost death for a tourist when a highly venomous snake bit the end of his penis.

The deadly brown snake slithered between his legs and lunged at his manhood as he crouched on a roadside near Laura, 300km northwest of Cairns, about a month ago.

Had the tourist taken the precaution of swimming in cold water prior to using the biggest toilet on earth, chances are the snake would have missed his precious tool altogether.

“It certainly had a swipe at him,” an ambulance spokesman said yesterday. “But it didn’t envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock.”

The snake beat a hasty retreat, leaving its victim with a scratch, vomiting and abdomen pain.

It’s the same symptoms you encounter after eating the Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steakhouse.

The wound was wrapped in plastic in case poison had penetrated the skin but medical staff gave the man the all-clear after conducting tests. He was taken to Cooktown Hospital where he spent a night recovering.

The ambulance spokesman described him as “lucky”, given his near encounter with one of Australia’s most poisonous snakes.

“I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed,” he said.

Also shocked and embarrassed was the snake who thought he was greeting a long lost friend.

FLASH

Da Blues

How do you know it’s not going to be your day?

Is it when the kibble in your breakfast bowl isn’t covered with Savory Sauce? Or is it when you go for your morning walk and you’re the one that steps in George the Labradoodle’s poo instead of your owner? Or maybe it’s when you go to fart on the bed and a poop comes out?

Any of these situations may qualify as predictors of a day filled with disappointment, but I think I found one sure fire way to tell that today is truly going to suck: I saw my grandparents (visting from Virginia) packing their suitcases this morning. That can only lead me to believe one thing: they are leaving today. This fills me with great sadness as I've had such a great visit with them (corn dogs and pork ears included).

Have a safe trip back home Grandma and Grandpa! We are sad to see you leave, but hope you will come back to visit soon.

FLASH

Foto Friday

In case you can't read my mind, I'm saying "get the hell off me, Old Man"!

FLASH

Treats

Yesterday was a great day. I had my usual kibble and milkbones, but also snagged some turkey chili and cake. Glorious ice cream cake from Shakes....vanilla, of course.

I have to admit that I’m pretty fortunate when it comes to my weight. I’ve never packed on the pounds the way some mutts do. No Wait! Watchers for this pup.

That’s probably due to a combination of good exercise, good quality food and an amazing ability to digest human snacks.

Right now I'm waiting from my grandparents to get home from shopping so that I can beg for more cake. Then when my mom gets home, I'll beg again, of course not informing her of the cake I have already injested courtesy of Grandpa Mike.

Stay hungry my friends.

FLASH

Visit from Grandparents = Treats & Presents

My grandparents get into town today. Time to put my beggin' face on. I heard something about there being cake tonight...

FLASH

Day of Mourning

The only Big D around here is depression.

The Texas Rangers did not win the World Series. The Rangers gave new meaning last night to the 'big hat, no cattle' saying. My Texas-sized dreams of the Rangers winning the World Series died hard last night in a dog bowl of whiskey, er water.

But you know what's worse? My Dallas Cowboys and Texas Longhorns. How 'bout dem Cowboys? Oh wait....they are 1-6. Poor Jerry Jones and the billion dollar house he built for the Boys (I'll have you know I have since retired my cowboys collar).

Would it be piling on to mention the University of Texas football team already has dropped so many games at home that the once- mighty Longhorns are routinely getting bullied by every Tom, Dick and Baylor?

I think Governor Perry might have to close schools and fly flags at half mast throughout the state for a day of mourning...

The next round of Lone Star beer is on me to drown those sorrows....

FLASH

Poop

Poop is one of my favorite topics, so I don't pass up an opportunity to bring up the subject. Yesterday Mom was whining incessantly about having to pick up the large amount of poop in the back yard. Of course, I got blamed for it, even though Lulu is just as responsible. I just don't understand her complaints.

We all have to take dumps, right? I mean, what’s the alternative – to hold it in until you’re ‘impacted’ and have to be rushed to the vet for an anal, and intestinal, flush?

That’s why I like taking good, healthy-sized dumps in the back yard.

Of course that usually means a big mess out back, but that’s not my problem.

I always tell my parents if they don’t want me eating it, to bag it before it ripens into a tasty treat. Or, if they don’t want to step in it, to bag it up and send it to its forever home.

FLASH

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! Love, Flash & Lulu

Wordless Wednesday

Halloween Delight at Sonic!

I'm saving up my quarters for this (donations welcome). I CAN'T WAIT!

Dear Flash (Halloween Edition)

This is the time of year I dread. Why? Because it’s Halloween time and that means my parents are going to dress me up in some ridiculous costume. In the past I’ve been Superman, Spiderman, Darth Vader, Pumpkin Monster, Reindeer and a ghost. I’m sure there are more but that’s all I can remember. It appears I’m not the only one who gets this treatment. Check out the letter I received via email.


Dear Flash,
Halloween is my favorite time of year. Each year, I try putting my dog Freddie in a costume and taking him out in the neighborhood but he refuses to wear anything. He howled until I removed the ghost sheet. He hated the pirate’s hat. Last year, I bought an elaborate pumpkin ensemble. He nipped at me when I was zipping it on and barked non-stop until I took it off. How can I train Freddie to be more comfortable in costumes?
-Mariellen, Dallas

Dear Mariellen,
You are not a very smart human. Please return Freddie from wherever you got him. You owe it to him.

-FLASH

Quote of the Day

Nothing smells better than cat poo in the morning.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday

Life is good

The Rangers are up 2 games to 1 on the Yanks, and Mom bought us a new bag of pork ears yesterday...life is good.

Life would be great if only I could get to that stuffed giraffe that plays music hiding in the guest bedroom. Mom bought it for a baby shower Saturday, but I think I would make much better use of it than a baby would...FLASH

Boob Squirrel

I’m going to come right out and say it, I’m an ass dog.

If I see someone new, be it a dog, a cat or a human, I’m going to bury my face deep in the ass of that creature and take a big deep sniff. It’s the only way I can tell the character of that individual.

Let’s be honest, if you smell a load in a person’s underwear or spot a dingleberry hanging from a cat’s behind, do you really need to know anything more about them? No! They’re clearly terrific ambassadors for all living things on mother earth!

I realize my method differs from others. For instance, I know many dogs who judge character by the eyes, others are sensitive to touch, while still others are driven by taste. I’m not saying my way is the right way, but…well yeah I am saying that. My way is the right way.

The wrong way can be seen from today’s story about a squirrel in Ohio. Down at the kennel, it’s what we commonly call a boob squirrel. Here's the story:

The baby squirrel climbed out from between the women’s breasts as she was in the police station with detectives in Warren, Ohio.

Fortunately for us, the bizarre incident was recorded for posterity on CCTV, a still from which can be seen above.

Detective Warren Mackey said he was stunned.

‘No, I was not prepared to see a woodland creature in the interview room,’ Mackey said.

‘I kept right on talking to her and listening to her. I didn’t acknowledge it at all.’

The unidentified woman – who was not under arrest and was being questioned as part of a murder investigation – didn’t even broach the subject of the breast-squirrel.

As it climbed out of her clothes, she simply scooped the squirrel up and placed it back in her cleavage.

‘I really didn’t know what to say,’ said Mackey.

Makes me wonder where the squirrel was storing its nuts…hmmm.

FLASH

High Anxiety

I’ve been feeling somewhat anxious lately (perhaps it's because the Rangers play the Yankees tonight) and decided to do a little research to help alleviate my stress. I was extremely happy when I ran across an article titled "Got Stress? Pet Consultants Do." Imagine my disappointment when I realized the talk was given to allow a dog park to be built near a little league baseball field in Maine and not just to focus on canine well being. But still, there are some interesting tidbits for you to ponder.

BELFAST, Maine – Just like their human owners, dogs suffer from stress.

“The big reason for stress in dogs is our inability to understand what they are saying,” Don Hanson told about 50 pet owners gathered at the Abbott Room of the Belfast Free Library on Saturday.

As I like to say to my father, “What part of woof! don’t you understand?” Apparently, all of it.

Hanson, a dog behavior consultant, pet trainer and owner of Green Acres Kennel Shop in Bangor, was invited to discuss dog behavior by the dog park subcommittee of the Friends of Belfast Parks.

Hanson told the dog lovers that close observation is required to detect signs of stress in their pets.

Identifying behavioral signals given by dogs during group play could have a role in the success of the dog park.

A few behavioral signals and their meaning:

Lifting of back leg while tilting forward – “If you don’t get out of the way, you will be my property”

Laying with belly exposed – “Good touch, no bad touch”

Flashing teeth – “Check out how well my Crest Whitestrips are working”

Direct eye contact while growling – “Are you available for dinner?”

Sitting while pawing the air – “I’d like a taste of your ice cream cone”

A pug with a gun – “Your candy or your life”

Construction of the park is on hold while committee members and the Belfast Little League iron out some problems. The fenced park will be built next to the baseball field, and league organizers are concerned about safety and smells.

I understand the concern, boys can be rather smelly.

Committee member Carol Good said that the group has raised $39,000 for the park and that the fence and other materials had already been purchased. Good thanked those who supported the project and said additional funds were needed to complete the first phase of construction.

Hanson said the biggest problem when dogs are stressed is aggression. He said some dogs can cope with stress well while others handle it poorly. He said pet owners had to learn how to recognize the “calming signals” dogs revert to when they are stressed out and owners should attempt to remove the dog from that particular situation.

Who doesn’t get stressed out after going 0 for 4 with 3 strikeouts? The only way I get over an outing like that is a stop by the local Baskin Robbin's for a hot fudge sundae. Without the hot fudge…because that can kill me.

“Your dog has a part of the brain for rational thought and learning. When your dog is really stressed, the operating system for learning is turned off,” he said. “Stress can become chronic, and when it becomes chronic, it becomes an issue.”

Excessive sniffing, yawning, averting its eyes, licking its nose, squinting and scratching are among the most easily recognized calming signals, he said.

Based upon the amount of time I lick my privates, I must be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Humans are really ignorant of the needs and ways of communicating with dogs. We expect a dog to come into our house and understand English,” Hanson said.

C’mon, humans should know by now that we only speak Latin.

FLASH

Fartin' Martin

Here’s a quick joke for you all…

Martin goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Shep, get down from there.”

The guy thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, “Dammit Shep, get down before he poops on you.”

FLASH

The Sickies

I think it’s in every dog’s nature to feel bad for those less fortunate than us. Take for instance humans.

They’ve lost the ability to live in the moment, to sniff each other (without reproach) in public and to smell a dropped piece of bacon from two cities away.

I look at them and it makes me want to weep. But then I remember where my balls used to be and lick myself instead.

However, after hearing my mom cough all night because she doesn't feel well had me in a fetal position, with a box of kleenex because I feel so bad for her. That is one human I don't want to ever feel bad!

I hope you feel better soon Mom! If you come home from work early I promise to snuggle on the couch with you and make you some chicken soup.

FLASH

Art by Flash

I've been playing around with Photoshop today. Check out my masterpieces!

Dear Mr. Columbus...

Dear Mr. Christopher Columbus,

I regret to inform you that not everyone has been given the day off of work in honor of your holiday, and I am wondering why? The rumor on the dog park gossip mill was that today is a holiday, which meant our owners would be home all day to spoil us and lavish us with belly runs, walks and corn dogs from Sonic.

This is not the case. It was business as usual this morning for my mom, and off to work she went. This does not seem fair, and I'll have you know that I was really looking forward to spending this holiday with my mom. And, I was also really looking forward to the corn dog(s).

I hope that you will take this compliant directly to Mr. Obama so that I do not have to write this letter again on Veterans Day.

Sincerely,
FLASH

Great idea

I am going to see what I can get for Miss Lulu on Ebay...FLASH

Poop.

We all have to take dumps, right? I mean, what’s the alternative – to hold it in until you’re ‘impacted’ and have to be rushed to the vet for an anal, and intestinal, flush?

That’s why I like taking good, healthy-sized dumps in the back yard. Of course that usually means a big mess out back, but that’s not my problem. I always tell my parents if they don’t want me eating it, to bag it before it ripens into a tasty treat. Or, if they don’t want to step in it, to bag it up and send it to its forever home.

I never thought about where my extract goes after I’ve finished processing it, but this story suggests there is a place called poo-heaven.

Boston officer Lt. Rick Santangelo said yesterday that the woman, whose name has not been released, admitted tossing doggie dung at the driver because she believed he was speeding.

He said the woman initially contacted police last week and reported that she was walking her dog when she saw the motorist nearly hit a man on a bicycle.

Santangelo said the motorist contacted police the next day to report being struck in the face with dog feces.

The woman was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, vandalism to property and disorderly conduct.

Photo Tuesday

Check out our family photo from the Paws in the Park event on Sunday. I was checking out a hot biscuit to the right of me which is why I am not looking at the camera. Unfortunately, I was yanked away before I could get her number.We had a fun time at the event. Of course, Lulu embarrassed the family by sniffing the butt of every dog there. We can't take her anywhere...

FLASH

Monday Humor

So my mother walks into the local PetSmart store with me safely secured on a leash next to her, and one of the employees has the audacity to ask, “Is that a pig you got with you?”

The nerve of that guy. I was so mad I could hardly reply back, “No, that’s my mother!”

OK…it’s an old joke, but always smells fresh to me.

Just a little Flash humor for your Monday.

FLASH

Until Monday...

Hi Flash Fans -

Sad news, Flash will not be returning to blogging until Monday. He's at a photo shoot all day today, and tomorrow he is accompanying me to Austin for work (we're attending a Photoshop Conference. He said he wants to learn how to photoshop his double chin off in a few pictures).

This weekend we will be attending the Paws in the Park Event for a day of fun and games with our four-legged best friends.

So, as you can see he's busy...but he says to send his love to his fans.

Sincerely,
His mother

I've Hit the Big Time

Ever heard that song "Big Shot" by Billy Joel? Goes a little something like this...

"Because you had to be a big shot, didn't cha
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't cha
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
You know what everything's about
You had to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night"

Well, in my case it's true. I've finally made it big. You might as well change my name to Hollywood.

I was asked by my local veterinarian's office to pose in a photo shoot tomorrow. Out of all the dogs that roam this planet, they picked me. They recruited me. Not that I can blame them. I agreed after naming my price - unlimited Milkbones, and a case of Dom Pérignon.

I was also very clear that there would be no frontal nudity.

So, now you'll be able to see my handsome mug all over town. With my fame, I think a lifestyle change will be in order. I thought I had it pretty good. Two parents at my beck and call, a dog bowl that’s always filled and a high speed internet connection. I couldn’t ask for more, or so I thought until I became in high demand -- I suddenly realized that only getting half the bed at night isn’t enough, and watching Animal Planet on a 32″ screen is slap across the snout.

I will be sending my demands to my parents later today.

FLASH a.k.a "Hollywood"

Dear Flash

It's been awhile since I've shared a "Dear Flash" letter. I still receive them all the time - you might as well call me Ann Landers, but better looking. I received a letter yesterday with a familiar East Coast zip code. Turns out it's from my cousin Bindi in Virginia; it seems she has problems that many a young pups seem to have: she's a jumper. Here's what I have to say on the subject.

Dear Flash,

I have a really bad habit of charging at the door when someone comes in or leaves. I start jumping on the person and I get so excited, I nip at them. I always do this. My mommy wants me to stop!

Any suggestions on how I can greet our visitors without scaring them?

Bindi

--------------------------

Dear Bindi,

I love visitors too, especially the UPS man…he leaves doggie biscuits on my packages. I’d like to return the favor by leaving doggie pee on his truck tires but he’s always in a hurry.

That doesn’t really address your problem does it? I have to be honest, I’m not one to get all excited about people coming into the house unless they have some special treat for me. If they want to engage with me, I let them make the effort. I see that you live on the other end of the greeting spectrum.

The first thing I want to make clear is that you aren’t scaring anyone. If you don’t believe me, just take a look in the mirror. Anyone that is afraid of you is also scared of sugar and spice and everything nice. Unfortunately that doesn’t give you a right to be jumping on people. So here are some thoughts that your mom can utilize to settle you down.

• A 20,000 volt shock collar – not only will this stop you from jumping up on visitors, it will also stop you from breathing. I don’t recommend this.

• Dousing all visitors with Eau De Johnny Mellencamp cologne prior to their entry into the house. The smell will ensure every dog keeps a safe distance from the guest but it will also keep people from visiting your house. Only recommended if you and your family want to become shut ins.

• Toe Block – Used on small dogs, this little known, but highly effective move trained Toto, of Wizard of Oz fame, to stop jumping up on the Wicked Witch of the West. In order to use this move successfully, she will need to have a grotesquely large big toe, and it must be hairy. Flashing the toe is recommended only if your mother is already married or plans to be a spinster.

One of those techniques should work for your mother. Keep in mind, my advice is worth every penny paid for it.

Best,

-FLASH

Deadbeat Dog Fails to Pay Phone Bill

First off let me say that I have my own cell phone. I use it to text all of my buddies over on Dogster.com throughout the day. So it was with great concern I read the following article about Andy Fanelli, a Lhasa Apso, getting hassled by Verizon for not paying his bill.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — More than 70,000 consumers complained about third-party debt collectors in 2007, but one Sacramento couple said they have good reason to bark about the bill they received.

Steve Fanelli received a bill from AFNI collections claiming an Andy Fanelli owes Verizon Online $142.34. And although Steve Fanelli does indeed live with an Andy Fanelli, there is a small, furry problem with the bill.

Andy Fanelli is Steve Fanelli’s dog.

Nothing strange as I see it, other than Verizon didn’t do a very good credit check on the Lhasa Apso.

“The point is that Andy has never had a Verizon account. We were just curious why this showed up,” Steve Fanelli said.

After some “dogged” detective work by Call 3 Problem Solvers, Verizon said the debt is owed by a guy on the East Coast named Andy Fanelli.

OK…so it’s a simple clerical error. But how did Andy, the dog, get on Verizon’s list anyway? Well it turns out he has an American Express card.

“It’s an active card. From time to time I take my girlfriends to lunch on Andy,” Donovan said.

Uhmmm…unless Donovan is listed as an authorized user of Andy’s card, I see this as a clear case of identity theft.

I wonder how far this Donovan fella has taken this. Is he opening up other credit cards under Andy’s name or filing for unemployment benefits using the dog’s identity? Sure Lhasa Apsos are anything but working dogs, but the only benefits they should be receiving are belly rubs.

I don’t trust these owners or even Andy. Just look at Lhasa Apsos…there’s something evil about them. And no, I’m not just saying that because of Cindi, the Lhasa Apso, that spurned me in my youth.

Verizon Online cancelled Andy’s debt, which he just shook off.

Isn’t that what these grifters were after all along?

FLASH

Being Fat Saves a Life?

I love food. The problem is food doesn’t love me. Or to be more specific, food doesn’t love me to have a beautiful body.

That’s why I have to watch my caloric intake (quit laughing Old Man).

Turns out, there may be some upside to being fat, as evidenced by the following story about a morbidly obese canine named Jiffy.

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. – A dog weighing more than 120 pounds survived being frozen to a sidewalk overnight, probably because he was insulated by layers of fat, authorities said.

The “morbidly obese” dog, an aging border collie mix named Jiffy, froze to the sidewalk when he was left out overnight Wednesday, the Sheboygan County Humane Society said.

Few dogs could survive the single-digit temperatures, and it was probably the fat that made the difference, shelter manager Carey Payne said.

Jiffy’s 59-year-old owner was arrested Thursday morning on suspicion of animal neglect, Sheboygan Police Lt. Tim Eirich said. She told police she tried to get the dog inside but couldn’t, and instead checked on him every few hours.

The dog is 11 or 12 years old, Eirich said. Shelter workers poured warm water over Jiffy’s back end to unstick him from the sidewalk, Payne said, adding it was too soon to say whether he suffered any long-term effects.

The only question I have is whether Jiffy’s last name is Pop or Peanut Butter.

FLASH

Dog Looks Like a Man

There are days (mostly gray, cloudy days), I lay on my parents bed with my father. Just me, him and the sound of silence. He spoons me and pets my head while offering me a devil’s deal.

“Flash buddy…let’s trade places for a while. You go to work and I’ll just lay around all day.”

It’s a suckers bet since he only does this when the smell of stress emanates from his pores, or to be more exact-his armpits.

I know, and he knows, that he’s looking to run away and strap poor old me to the bomb that is his career. No thanks.

Realizing he’s on a fool’s errand, he snaps back to reality and goes to work. Hey, at least he’s got me. Well, instead of giving up so easily there is an alternative he could persue. Check it out:

Police in Louisiana arrested a man last Thursday after he was seen eating mud on his hands and knees while growling like a dog.

The 32-year-old man, from Texas, was arrested in Mansfield, Louisiana after construction workers saw him acting like a dog, and a woman who was accompanying him said he had been walking around eating dog food.

While arresting the man, authorities say they found a bottle of PCP, half a pound of marijuana, and a quarter of an ounce of crack in the man’s possession.

He is facing charges of possessing drugs with intent to distribute, and was taken to a local detention centre so that jailers could ‘keep an eye on him.’

I wonder whether that detention center was a dog pound.

FLASH

Wordless Wednesday: Sometimes they do get along

**Flash and Lulu are grounded today for a dog fight this morning, so they are restricted from computer use.**

But, see, they actually do get along somtimes: Lulu snuggling against Flash.

This is not Flash, this is Lulu. And, it's time I speak up.

Dear Mom & Dad,

This is not Flash; this is Lulu. I've been silent on this blog, but while I have this brief reprieve where I’m able to communicate, here’s a list of suggestions for you:

Ask me to move nicely. Yelling “Git!” does not endear you to me. And give me a minute or two to move. Don’t rush me.

I hate it when you touch my tail. I have always hated it. I will always hate it. And when you try to make me move faster by nudging my backside, you touch my tail with your knee. I know you know what you’re doing. That’s why I glare at you. What I’d really like to do is to bite your tail and see how you’d like it.

You eat, like, six times a day if you include snacks. What makes you think a scoop in the morning and a scoop in the evening of some dry-ass dog food is enough for me? Why do you think I’m always rooting around in the garbage and licking the kitchen floor? And don’t give me that “You need to lose weight” crap. That applies to Flash, not me.

How about this: STOP telling me I have “doggie odor” and “doggie breath.” I’m a dog!

I know you secretly like Flash better. He’s always in your lap. That lip quiver thing he does when I get close? That feral growl he has when I want you to pet me? That’s all crap. When you’re out of the house, he’s all up in my face, rubbing on me.

And what’s with the “no table scraps” rule? One time. I vomited on your carpet after you gave me a T-bone, one time. One time, and now there’s this hard and fast rule. Well, OK maybe it was more like each and every time you gave me people food, but c’mon, man. Throw a dog a bone. Literally.

Thank you for changing my name from Amy to Lulu when you adopted me. I’d like to have a T-bone for every time I went running to some lady on the playground who was calling her daughter. I show up and get shooed away. Is that fair to me? No. But, how about calling me something besides Lulu? I am not a thousand years old and wearing granny panties like most Lulu's.

I am sorry for my silent but deadly gas. Now it’s your turn to apologize.

I could find my way out of a paper bag if I had to. I’m not actually that stupid. So how about you stop repeating this? Telling them that I’m the “greatest dog ever but she couldn’t find her way out of a paper bag” is like describing a blind date as having a nice personality. Nobody needs to know about my IQ. Where do you think your intelligence level was during your Jerk Boyfriend/Girlfriend #2 phase?

That new collar you got me? I can’t lick myself very well with it on. So either you start doing it for me or lose the collar.

That is all.

Love,
Miss Lulu

Monday Blues

This is my reaction when Mom told me it was Monday.

Foto Friday: Brother & Sisterly Love

Free to Good Home

Never say that I don’t look to do my part. An old lady needs help to cross the street, I’ll strap her on my back and carry her across. A family member puts more food than they can finish on their dinner plate, I’ll lick it clean for them. And when a helpless kitty needs a home, I’m there to help. That’s why I’m re-posting this craigslist ad for one of my feline friends.

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

The opening line certainly sounds inviting but please, tell me more about what this killing machine can do.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

• insects
• other trained attack kittens
• babies
• toilet paper
• anything under a blanket
• unwanted house guests
• paper bags
• floor rugs
• Chuck Norris
• Feet

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you’ll figure that out really fast.

Unlike most cats I know, this one seems to be self reliant. In fact I’d offer to have it join the canine team if it wasn’t for the claws. I don’t have to tell you, one nasty scratch across the money maker I call my snout and my treat getting career is done for.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear – however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens… please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

Surprisingly, no takers so far.

FLASH

Dear Flash

Dear Flash,

First of all, hold your horses with the threats - I have ordered you a brand-new collar and leash. A South Carolina collar and leash, nonetheless. You're welcome. Unfortunately, it won't be here until Monday, so until then you are stuck with the pink collar. So sorry (not really).

Believe me, I too am glad the Old Man is home for a few days. Dealing with you is not always sunshine and roses. I blame myself; I have turned you into a bit of a spoiled rotten entitled basset hound. Like how you have now starting barking at me while I eat my dinner and continue barking until I share with you. Or, how you have my claimed my lap as your own, and refuse to let Miss Lulu sit in my lap or anywhere near me because that's your territory. Not to mention that I have caught you red-handed chewing the devil green couch several times lately and all you do is give me a yawn and continue chewing. I won't even go into the recent protesting on all the walks - just plopping down mid-walk and refusing to move any further until you are ready.

The Old Man won't take your sh*t, Dear Flash. So I would advise you not to complain too much about being left home alone with me. It's funny how quickly you forget the corn dogs, bones, two new toys and leftover hamburger patties I gave you in the Old Man's absence.

Hrmph.
Your Mother

Dear Old Man (Part 2)

Dear Old Man,

I am writing you again with an urgent plea to please come home. Since my letter to you yesterday, things have gone from bad to worse. It is certain high likely that I will be forced to pee and poop inside the house today. I cannot take the risk or going outside and having anyone see me. Why? BECAUSE I AM WEARING A PINK COLLAR! Yes, you read the right. Mom has completely emasculated me. You might as well change my name to Fluffy the Fufu Basset.

Here's what happened: my Cowboys collar ripped right in half during our walk today (hopefully not an omen of how their season will be this year), and so Mom put Lulu's old PINK collar on me.

I don't mean to make threats, but if I don't have a new collar on my neck by tomorrow, I will be forced to call Animal Protective Services on the two of you.

I heard a rumor that you may be coming home late tonight? Please pick up a new collar for me on your way into town. I will be waiting impatiently by the door.

FLASH

P.S. I was forced to watch Bachelor Pad last night. That is two hours of my life I'll never get back. You owe me, Old Man.

Dear Old Man

Dear Old Man,

Please come home soon. Even though I have gained 5 pounds in your absence and gained a few new toys due to mom's generosity, there have been other serious incidents that I would like to report:

• I was shut out of watching the second half of the Cowboys game last night. It was lights out, TV off, no discussion at 9 pm. This would never happen if you were around.

• I was forced to watch 3 chick flicks over the weekend.
  
  
• I was forced to watch DVR'd episodes of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey.
  
  
• Mom knows where all of the toad carcasses are on our walks, so I haven't been able to score any toad guts for a snack. I much prefer your toad ignorance on our walks.
  
  
• Mom can't find my Cowboys leash so she has been walking me with Lulu's old leash. It's red with flowers on it. This is not a man's leash. See the picture of me below protesting on a walk because I do not want to be seen with this leash on.
  
  Please come home soon. I don't like being stuck in a house with a bunch of chicks.
  
  FLASH
  

Go Gamecocks!

I have two words for you: Go Gamecocks! As I type this I am clearing room in my system in the form of chocolate surprise so that tomorrow I can load up on fatty tailgate foods while watching my favorite college football team whip up on JawJuh (Georgia). So, if you are not a South Carolina Gamecocks fan, please move along, this blog isn't for you.

Of all schools, I am particularly not fond of the University of Georgia. Not because all of the people living in that state have red necks, but because of their mascot, UGA the bulldog. Back in the day, we went on a date and not only did she drool and pant the entire time, she let out a lemonade stream in the middle of dinner. Completely unclassy, and if you know me at all, class is my middle name.

So, break out your garnet and black. My prediction: Gamecocks 24, Puppies 21. Corndogs for Flash during the game: 3.

FLASH

Happy Birthday!

We all live by rules, but there are times they need to be broken.

Take for instance, this blog. I have a stringent rule that I only highlight stories about dogs, cats, and whatever other wacky animals cross my path. I do not blog about humans. I figure they get enough press without me heaping more attention on them. But today, I make an exception.

I would like to wish a Happy Birthday to my Old Man. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but nothing beats the father-son time we share, especially when it involves a) sharing his food; b) vigorous belly rubs; c) watching our man shows like ESPN and the Texas Rangers or something called Skinamax that I am not supposed to tell my mother about.

So, Happy Birthday Old Man! I've left you a special present in your shoes.
FLASH

Tropical Depression Hermine

Damn, it’s wet here in Georgetown, Texas. So wet that I’ve had difficulty getting online and posting my blog.

For those of you worried about me, you have a right to be. I got shutout of my walks yesterday because my parents were afraid they’d melt in the rain. Then this morning my walk was cut out too, but at least an attempt was made to get me out. We took the family truckster to our nature trail only to find out that my favorite hiking trail was under water, along with the tennis courts, swimming pool, and dog park.

A positive aspect to all this was that my decaying turds were all washed away in the currents of our normally dormant stream towards our neighbors to the north. You're welcome.

Stay dry my friends.

FLASH

Busy Day

Hi friends. Just wanted to pop in and say hi. I have a very busy day ahead, so I dont have time to write much. Its raining out and when it rains I like to go outside and dig my paws in the mud and make nice pretty paw prints thoughout the house. Since it does not rain very often here, I need to take advantage of this opportunity. But, I'll leave you with a picture from my birthday party on Saturday, and will be back tomorrow with a full recap.
FLASH

Dear Flash

Dear Flash,
Just some advice for you - you are not helping our case to adopt another dog by chewing the Old Man's belongings, particularly his favorite hat. Oh, and whining at the bedroom door early in the morning is not a good idea either.

Just a heads up,
Mom

caught in the act...chewing the hat brim

RIP Mr. Hat (which is now brimless)

Lame Grumpy Pants

Lame Grumpy Pants.

That is what we are calling the Old Man these days. Mom, Lulu and I are in agreement with this, especially Mom and I. Why? Because Mom wants to save the world, and I want to have little "mini-me" around the house.

See, Mom was contacted by her friends at the Austin Basset Rescue. They are looking for a home for a young pup named Hush Puppy. Usually, I wouldn't give a pork ear or not about another addition to the family, unless it involves trading in Lulu. But, this young pup happens to have the good luck of looking just like me. Seriously, he's a mini-Flash, and who wouldn't want to have a miniature version of themselves around. Don't believe me? Check out the picture below.

Mom begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded with the Old Man to bring Hush Puppy home and the answer was a BIG FAT NO.

I threw in my 2 cents asking if we could either trade in Lulu or the Old Man for Hush Puppy, but that resulted a dirty look from both parties involved.

I know Mom will get over it, I just home the Old Man can live with himself...

Maybe you are wondering why I want to trade in Lulu...check out the picture below. Words are not needed to explain her weirdness (yes, this is how she's sleeping)

FLASH

Beer

My old man loves beer and he refuses to give me any. He tells me that alcohol, hops and carbonation are bad for my innards. I don’t buy it. I think he just wants all the beer for himself. That excuse is now going out the window because look at what I just found out on the internets. Dog Beer! You heard right. 3 Busy Dogs has created Bowser Beer. It’s just for dogs and it tastes like beef. Let the party begin…

From their website:

Introducing Bowser Beer^TM

Does your dog drink responsibly?

I will say that lately I haven’t been drinking very responsibly. In fact, just before I go to bed at night I load up on a bowlful of water. Then, at about 3:00am, I wake up my mother so she can carry me outside to pee. She looks tired, but that’s not my problem. Anyway, I’m thinking that maybe Bowser Beer can get me off the water habit and on to something better. Let’s see what’s in it:

Bowser Beer^TM is made from filtered water, pure malt barley, and infused with dog-loving beef extract – without hops or alcohol. It’s low-cal, like our pretzel treats, so you can spoil without guilt.

An infusion of dog-loving beef extract? Sign me up for a case of the stuff.

So what’s the best time to enjoy this hearty, beefy drink?

[While] watching sports on the couch or after a long, dusty walk … Put some party in your animal!

Or I could just drink some before my 6 hour nap, and then some more after I get up to pee. And, hey, nothing says party like a drunk canine with an attitude. I just hope this stuff doesn’t make me argumentative.

Bowser Beer^TM comes in a handy 6-pack of 12 oz. bottles [...and you can] personalize your beer with a picture of your favorite dog!

I hope the bottles are twist offs. I hate bottle openers because I just can’t get a grip on them. Even if they’re not twist offs, who could resist being featured on their own beer? Not me, my friend. Not me.

* Though non-alcoholic, do not let your dog drive or operate heavy machinery when drinking Bowser Beer^TM.

I guess I better get my Bobcat work done before my shipment arrives. I just hope they have an internet connection at the Betty Ford Clinic.

FLASH

I Want Cake!

I have no patience with animals that say one thing to your snout and another behind your tail.

If you have something to say, say it.

Take for instance the animals I like to call my parents. To my face it’s all, “No Flash, your butt isn’t getting any bigger. It’s still cute as ever.”

Behind my back I hear my father tell my mother, “What a tub of goo he’s turning into.”

The reason I bring this up is because I was promised a cake for my adoption party this weekend from Tail Waggins Dog Bakery. A big, gooey cake in the shape of a bone. That was the promise.

Then last night I overheard my mom telling the Old Man that maybe there would be no cake for the guest of honor, just some dog treats. Because my mom realized she would have to actually bake the cake, and she can't bake worth kitty snickers. But, then she's all to my snout this morning, "Oh Flash, don't worry, the party will be great, start getting excited."

So, I am begging you, my loyal readers for your culinary skills so that I can have the party I deserve. I'll make it easy for you - I heart all baked goods. Overall, I’d say my favorites are peanut butter cookies, liver flavored cupcakes and bone marrow muffins. MMM, mmm, good.

**Addendum to my party invitation: guests must bring baked goods.

(Of course my culinary exploration must stop at the border of Chocolate City. Many a pup has ventured in, but not one has come out.)

Wacky Human Behavior

I don’t normally comment on the wacky behavior of humans because, well, they’re humans. I figured I’ll let that policy slide for this story since it does fall in line with one of the things I love doing most, marking my territory.

The story from the New York Post comes as no surprise to me, but apparently humans not only find it surprising, but appalling as well.

The Nolita hot spot Delicatessen has a full cocktail menu, pricey food, model patrons – and nightly golden showers, thanks to one pissed-off neighbor.

The glass-roofed lounge, which opened with red carpets and loud trance music in July, has neighbors at 265 Lafayette St. up in arms over the riotous party atmosphere.

But one unidentified building resident has taken matters into his own hands, emptying his bladder on the see-through ceiling from his apartment window above.

Of course where some see problems, others see opportunity. If it were me, I’d promote the club as the only place on earth where you get to see the world from a toilet’s eye view. Of course on Friday and Saturday nights I’d spice it up by having the ‘pee-er” add some chocolate puddin to his lemonade surprise. But that’s me, Flash T. Ruyle, marketing genius.

“We have our quiet little part of SoHo, and people want to keep it that way – but come on, that’s just gross,” [Joshua] Griffler said.

Owners Susan Leonard, Mark Amadei and Stacy Pisonne did not return calls seeking comment.

Anyone else think that Ms. Pisonne is just asking for it?