Missing: Tall Red Head

Dear Friends,
I have an urgent request for you. Our household appears to be missing a very important member. I need your help in locating his whereabouts.

MISSING:
Tall red headed man named Dan. Approx 6'0 with bird legs and a goatee, also red. Usually wears a hat. May be seen wearing a white trash flannel or Santa Suit. If found, please return to Flash T. Ruyle.

From my calculations, he's been missing since Saturday afternoon. I started to get concerned about his whereabouts when I did not get my bath on Sunday. Mr. Dan always gives me a bath on Sunday, and I am now very stinky. Since he's been gone, we've also been getting a lot more treats and less discipline. I think Mama Erin is trying to shield us from Mr. Dan's disappearance by overcompensating with treats. Also, Mr. Dan and I always stay up late and watch TV together. Last night Mama Erin cut off all of the lights at 8 pm and declared it was time for bed. What kind of bull crap is that? I missed Jay Leno.

Mama Erin really seems to be struggling taking care of Miss Lulu and I all by herself, and I am too young to be the man of the household. It is very important that you keep an eye out for a tall red head who answers by the name Dan, and tell him to come home immediately.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.
FLASH