National Running Day

All I've been hearing about today is that it's National Running Day. Mom has been going on and on about it all day. She even ripped the covers off the Old Man sleeping this morning shouting 'It's National Running Day, get up and run!'. I just don't get the appeal.

Running really sucks. I’d much rather walk. I don’t mind jogging very very slowly. So slowly that I’m actually walking. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t like exercise. I enjoy walking at a certain clip. I enjoy that very much. Some might even call that speed walking. Call it what you will. I really don’t like running though. I find it very distasteful. I don’t like it all. Why? That’s the obvious question. Why? Why Flash do you not like running? Well, let’s start with the superficialities:

1) It’s look stupid. No, let me correct myself: I look stupid. I look like a zucchini with legs. No, worse, zucchini bread with legs. Have you ever seen zucchini bread running? Of course not. Because it’s stupid.

2) It’s f&^@#d up. It’s f&^@#d up because lots of times marathon runners lose control of their bowl movements near the end of the race and then they start wobbling and then they poo down their legs and that’s f&^@#d up. Wobbling/running while pooing on your own leg is nothing short of very f&^@#d up and totally stupid.

3) It feels weird. Very weird. It feels very weird to have my skin and muscle tissue moving up and down on my frame. It’s like pulled pork. I’m afraid that I might at any moment turn a corner the wrong way and my carcass go flying off its hinges. That would suck. It would also be very disgusting. It would suck, be disgusting, f&^@#d up and stupid.

4) It’s bad for you. I already mentioned the part about the pooing on the leg but it also gets your heart pumping and that could make you have a heart attack. Who wants that to happen? Not me. The last thing I want is to be running the last few miles of marathon, with crud streaming down my leg, then suddenly I have a heart attack all because I decide to run instead of walk at a clip. Running causes heart attacks. There’s no documentation to prove that but it’s true.

5) If you’re a male your wiener flaps around like a wind sock. I can’t speak for the ladies but I’m assuming that the same could be said for your boobs.

In conclusion, running is bad for you; it makes you poo on your own leg; zucchini bread, wind-sock. It’s much better if you walk at certain clip.

Nothankyou National Running Day. I'll stick to walking.

FLASH