Dear Flash,
My parents think they feed me a lot, but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food, as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.
I am in great shape, and in the prime of my life, and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach - but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day - they try to hide it, but I know.
So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also, I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?
Your friend,
Murphy
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Dear Murphy,
I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southwest, you’re missing out. You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity.
But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog, I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.
As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is normal. That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.
So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff you're not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.
However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.
As for regular food, that’s fair game. If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.
Hope that helps.
Your friend,
-FLASH
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Dear Flash,
Why do you think you are qualified to answer questions posed to you by other dogs?
Faithful Follower
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Dear Faithful Follower,
Where to begin? First off, I’m a basset hound. We are (rightly) known as the most intelligent dogs in America.
Sure it may sound cocky, but if you’re well read, you know it's true.
But I digress. My experiences are varied. I was in and out of youth facilities (aka dog pounds) in my early months, giving me street smarts. I took online classes at Phoenix University, giving me book smarts. But you may be asking, “What about the smarts in between?” Well I got them by experiencing life with my family. From trips to the vet, to great yard escapes, to peeing in the house, I’ve experienced it all.
But I guess the real reason I feel most qualified to answer your questions is that I am the only dog I know that can type 60 words a minute and not have it come out saying, “Woof woof woof, woof.”
So please, ask your foolish questions and I will respectfully respond. Oh, before I forget, my advice is for entertainment purposes only.-FLASH
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